They put a DVD
In the Nintendo Wii.
They told me “Just Dance”
So I ripped off my pants
And now nobody’s playing with me…
Tag Archives: Men
If It’s A Cylinder, It Can Phwoom-Vwoom-Schwaa!
She saw a roll of wrapping paper,
A pool noodle, and a stick.
He saw a lightsaber, a lightsaber, and a lightsaber
Because he has a dick.
Filed under Poems
What Do Poets Do At Night? The True Story Revealed!
Tonight I stayed home to guarantee
I could sign up for an event at 6:00 PM.
I spent most of the afternoon watching TV,
Specifically the Seahawks get their ass handed to them.
I was also playing video games
And burning wood to keep my house hot.
I had an awesome time doing everything but
Did I sign up for the event? No I did not.
I spent an evening by myself
Eating cookies and shouting “Dude!”
At the TV, so although I’m a dumby
My man card’s 1,000-percent renewed!
Filed under Poems
Midweek Passion
Baby, when I look at you
All sexy Thursday night
I think of how you’d look if you
Would move towards the right
And stand beside the TV screen
All cute. I want to cheer
‘Cause I can watch the game again.
Oh hey, grab me a beer!
Pokemon Release Day
Today I woke at 5:00 AM
To play a video game
Where I got to go to school
With a crocodile made of flame
And ride a living, dragon motorcycle
Far across the land,
Throwing balls at animals
So they’re at my command.
I took a day off work for this,
Ignored my social life,
Forgot to take a shower with
The girl who’ll be my wife.
All this is the triumph
Of a fully grown adult
Whose parents never let him buy
A pumpkin catapult.
Filed under Poems
Bachelorette Parties Just Keep Getting Weirder…
They make elbow pasta,
Bow ties and angel hair,
But I think they should make a noodle
For guys who have a pair:
A noodle like the balls that hang
Behind your pickup truck…
(It was at this point my girlfriend said
I’m already in luck).
Filed under Poems
Relationship Advice
If you want to impress a woman
Ask “Will you be my girlfrien?”
She’ll say no, because you forgot the “d”.
Then you grin at her
And say “You’ll get the ‘d’ later”
Then you can say “thank you” to me.
What’s Holding You Back?
There is a wall between the grass
That’s greener than our own,
That’s free of weeds and full of dew
And smells so freshly mown.
There’s a man who wants to climb
The wall, but has no rope.
He’s laughed at by the man who has no hands.
Crying in the shadows
Is a man who has no hope
And one who has no time to climb
Because of life’s demands.
One man has no body
Since he died a year ago
And another has no body
For he was never born at all.
Last among the dreamers
And the lowest of the low
Is the man who loves the grass beyond
But is five-foot-eleven tall.
Filed under Poems
I’m Like Mario, But Not As Famous Or Italian Or As Irrationally Compelled To Hit My Head On Boxes
Today my shower broke
And it sprayed everywhere.
The hose that moved the water
Had ripped a mighty tear
So I went to Home Depot
And bought a fixy thing
With a non-torn doohickey
And an intact rubber ring.
I screwed it on the spiggot
Where the water starts to pour
But with the new doohickey
The flow’s not limited anymore
And it makes an awesome shower,
Like emptying ten semi trucks
Full of water. One more reason
Why life in California sucks!
Filed under Poems
An Armed Society
I think traffic would be a lot better
If every drove tanks.
Sure, we’d get everywhere slower
But you bet we’d say “‘scuse me” and “thanks”.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 