Tag Archives: Parody

The Sound Of Christmas

Hello Santa, my old friend.

I’ve come to talk with you again

Because it seems that you have been creeping,

Watching me while I was sleeping,

And the rating that you gave me on your list

Still persists

Within the sound of Christmas.

On snowy streets I walked alone,

Seeking humbly to atone.

Sounds of sleigh bells ‘round the holidays

Remind me all about my naughty ways

And my eyes are peeled for the red of a nose so bright

To light the night,

Guiding your flight this Christmas.

And in the Winter night I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more

People shopping without speaking

Snowflakes falling but not glistening,

Heard the same old songs from the 1950’s blared;

No one cared

To change the sound of Christmas.

“Fools” said I, “He always knows

How many sizes your hearts grows.

Hear my words that I might teach you

To not be naughty. I beseech you.”

But my words like silent snowflakes fell

And echoed with the bells of Christmas.

And the people bowed and prayed

Where the son of God was laid

While the signs flashed out their decree:

“Come in and buy one and you’ll get one free.”

And the line down the sidewalk

Seeking discounts will find their goal

And get some coal

In their stocking this Christmas”

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Gotta Earn That $25 Visa Gift Card Christmas Bonus!

‘Twas the night before Monday,

The holiday’s end,

And the workers had finished

Their Black Friday spend.

Their cars were all parked

With their windshields frosted

And bellies were bulging

From turkeys accosted.

When all of a sudden

There came such a clatter

And the bosses were shocked,

Asking what was the matter

That caused half the workers

To all call in sick.

Was it coincident timing

Or some type of trick?

So the managers dialed

A flurry of phones

And said, “Hey how are you”

In indifferent tones

Before they proceeded

With the meat of their call:

“You must come in tomorrow

“Or not come back at all.”

And so all the workers

With debt growing daily

Said “Sure, see you Monday”

While giggling gaily.

Then the bosses drove off

To their villas, inspired.

Merry Monday to all!

Get to work or you’re fired!

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Book Review: A Dark And Horny Knight

It’s about this guy who’s a demon

With virile and plentiful… oh lord.

I tried dear, I swear

But I really don’t dare

To review the books that have you screamin’.

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Is This How Pokemon Started?

Tiger tiger, burning bright

In the zoo, so late at night.

Alas, it seems those corporate jerks

Failed to show how the extinguisher works.

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And For June’s Bingo Card…

Donald and Elon sitting in a tree

T.W… oops… X.I.N.G.

First come threats

War comes later

And wait, is that Kanye playing mediator?

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I Can Call Him Black, But If He Says It Back That Misogy-tea

I’m a little teapot, short and stout.

I’m looking for a kettle six-foot or thereabout

Who makes a hefty salary, and when I shout

He wins me over and takes me out.

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And Then When WordPress Deletes Your Spaces Upon Publishing So You Have To Right/Center Align Stuff Instead… That’s Having An Editor!

poetry

is the art

of making things

really hard to

read

through

arbitrary

spacing

and forgetting to capitalize words

Unless

They

Make

An

impact

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Want To Disable Blood Rain For $0.99?

Pestilence, Famine, Death, and War:

These are the mythic Horsemen four.

Another we’ll add in the next transcription:

It’s named, “To Continue, Please Buy A Subscription”.

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A Poem For My Wife On The Occasion Of A Duty To Her Peers

‘Twas the day of jury duty

And through the courthouse

Most groups were still waiting

(They’d just called in “mouse”).

The judges were hoping

For non-psycho jurors

While my wife was pining

For sofas and purrers.

One hundred dollars

Awaited those selected

To sit in the waiting room,

Tired and dejected,

But some of those gathered

Would be chosen to act

As one of a dozen

Who would justice enact.

The thrill of deciding

A dumb person’s fate

Might be tempting for some,

But not to my mate.

She wanted to go

To her job or her house,

Not to wait for a call

For “Octopus”. (Nope, still “mouse”).

And then, with a flash

And a low-level clatter

A sentry emerged

And did hush all their chatter.

“I’ve news for you all”

The page said to the bunch.

“We don’t need you right now.

“Take an hour for lunch.”

And so wifey departed

In search of a bite

With an intrusive thought

That she’d be here all night…

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Black Friday?

‘Twas two nights before Thanksgiving

And on every website

There were black Friday ads

That were sure to delight,

For why wait three more days

To get ludicrous deals

Like fifty-percent off

Those bejeweled heels?

Sure, in July

They were 99 bucks

But now they’re 199.99 89 dollars.

What incredible luck!

Today we are thankful

For bargains galore.

Now just three days to wait

Before violence in the store!

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