A dog can be bouncy, beautiful, brash,
A lover of children, a chewer of trash,
A pooper, a woofer, a good boy or girl,
Who can sit, stay, roll over, shake hands, even twirl.
A dog is a friend, a companion, a pillow,
With fur short like mown grass or long like a willow.
A dog will be loyal. Meanwhile, a cat
Will be catty, get fatty, and thus that is that.
Filed under Poems
True story: I work remotely
And at my meeting today
My cat jumped up onto my lap
And looked at me, then lay
Belly-up and legs upwards
To show the world his… that
So anyway, I texted my wife
To tell her about our porno cat.
But after a good laugh
At kitty’s lack of inhibition
I said something I shouldn’t have
While Alexa sat to listen:
I made a joke about “kitty porn”
But pronounced the T’s as “D”.
Please know that’s why I disappeared
If big brother comes for me.
Filed under Poems
If your cat attacks you
It means he wants your love.
So does meowing, purring,
And leaping on you from above.
But if your cat ignores you
And poops in the flower bed
It means “Yeah sure, I love you
“But don’t let it go to your head.”
Filed under Poems
Doggie cuddle
In a puddle;
Heart and muzzle
Under the stars.
Kitty snuggle
Is a struggle;
With every nuzzle
A few more scars.
If I had a baby shark
I’d never need an exclamation mark.
If I had a baby llama
I’d never use another comma.
If I had pets that numbered myriads
I would be all done with periods.
Alas, my only pet’s a cat
So there! I’m done, and that was that.
Filed under Poems
My lady likes a hairy man
Who eats his food straight from a can,
Walks silently around the house
And saved her from a wild mouse.
Her dream guy sleeps both long and hard.
Around him she lets down her guard.
He can snuggle up at night
And make the whole world feel alright.
She likes the feeling of his tongue,
Not worried he’s no longer young.
The only worry I have is that
Is this guy me, or is it her cat?
Filed under Poems
One Wednesday a mouse got into the house
Of the woman I love, heart and soul.
She has a cat who’s remarkably fat
But knows not its mouse-catching role.
Her friends have a pug. He’s remarkably ugly
In an adorable way.
He got rewarded because we reported
He pooped twice in the same day.
All of these pets and the prizes they get
Cannot help my heart softly wish
That just for a day I was treated the way
The people I love treat their fish.
Filed under Poems
One day, a cat suggested
“Wouldn’t it be great
“If we walked up to humans,
“Who we obviously hate,
“And acted cute and fluffy
“‘While we multiply their struggles?”
That cat is world famous now;
His name is Mr. Snuggles.
Filed under Poems
Once upon a time, some guy
Said “I know what we need!:
“A kinda boring screensaver
“We also have to feed.”
All the other townspeople
Said “That’s as good as it gets,”
And they all went out to buy themselves
Some fish to keep as pets.
Filed under Poems
It doesn’t feel like a weight
But absence of a lightness;
Hours of Summer all around
And still the day lacks brightness.
A patch of graying sunlight shines
Where once there sat a friend;
I smile at it with broken lips,
And think about her end.
Scratches on the furniture
Once hidden I reveal;
I empty out the litterbox
And her uneaten meal.
I stand beside her scratching post
Without the words to say
The thanks, the pain, the memories,
And so instead I pray.
It doesn’t feel like relief
When I can breathe once more;
It isn’t warm when sunlight gray
Turns orange just like before.
But as a friend who made me smile
Returns to dust again
Her spirit naps within me
As it always has. Amen.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 