I exercised my glutes until they were hard as rock.
I entered a hardass contest and thought I was a lock.
I flex my bum! The judges gasp! I’m certain that I’ve got ‘em!
But even though my butt won first, I’d really hit rock bottom.
Tag Archives: Poetry
Art Is Subjective
People always say
“I miss the good old days”
But I think that’s misguided
In many different ways,
Chief of which is that
Although they made so many gargoyles
And so many fountains
The two were very seldom combined,
Which means we’ve had thousands of years
That could have had gargling gargoyles
And yet we got garden gnomes.
Filed under Poems
Why People Are Getting Married Less Nowadays
Glorious, glamorous, glandular, gassy,
Serious, spurious, sanctified, sassy,
Furious, fabulous, fortified, fun:
If they match all these adjectives, you’ve found the one!
Filed under Poems
Car Insurance And Corporate Suckupishness: A Modern Masterpiece Of Poetical Ingenuity
There once was a certifiable psycho
Who didn’t want to save money with Geico.
He was a horrible git
And that’s about it
And if Geico gives me a sponsorship because I emphasized their brand message, then me like-o.
Filed under Poems
Don’t Do Drugs… Or Poetry
If I had a chicken
Made of a golden laser beam
I’d think the Altoids that I bought
Were not as they would seem…
Filed under Poems
Time And Suffering
Today we got to experience twice
The hour of 1:00 AM.
As hours go, it was very nice
And my sleep was remarkably REM.
Tomorrow I get to experience once
The hour of butt-crack-of-dawn
So I sign off this poem with the word “dunce”
And a working man’s 8:00 PM yawn.
Filed under Poems
Relationship Goals
“Hey girl”, I texted.
“What’s up?” She replied.
Then I flashed back to the first three minutes of Pixar’s masterpiece, “Up”
And inevitably cried.
Filed under Poems
What New Devilry Is This?
Somewhere down in baby hell
Are Lucifer and Baphomet,
Asmodeus, Apollyon,
Satan, and Adramalech
All laughing at demonic stuff
But here’s the evil rub:
There’s a new kid in the devil school.
His name’s Beelzebub.
His family comes from South Missouri
And his dad’s name was Cletus
And he’d been groomed for devilhood
Since he was a fetus.
The devils might have picked on him
‘Til he was a broken husk
But then a savior came along:
A baby devil named by Elon Musk.
Filed under Poems
Tomorrow I’ll Have Brain Cells To Use… Maybe
Today I drove a long, long way.
Tomorrow I got to the dentist.
That’s why this poem is short,
As if written by the poet’s apprentice.
Filed under Poems
Because “You’re Beautiful Just The Way You Are, And The Right Man Will Love You Forever” Is A Bigoted, Misogynist Message
Pixie dust and fairy farts,
Princess hair and fey Walmarts:
Some came from a movie I loved as a kid.
The others are movies that Disney just did.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 