Five minutes ago I published
Twelve lines of verse about
Proper ways to socialize
For those who had a doubt.
Sometimes when I do publish
Things of that ilk I see
That someone gets offended
But this time it was me.
I read my writing quickly,
The slowly read again,
Appalled by what I’d written
With my figurative pen.
I got so mad I punched myself
Then sued myself. Outrageous!
Stay six feet away from yourself;
Stupidity’s contagious!
Filed under Poems
If you say “Hi”
And get no reply
It could be no one heard you.
If you say “Hi”
And they say “Die”
It’s likely they’ve abjured you.
If you say “Hi”
And they ask “Why?”
Then now’s your time to talk,
And if, to “Hi”
They only sigh
Perhaps you’d better walk.
Filed under Poems
Moreso than drugs or heart disease,
Moreso than any tumor,
Most tragedies in life are caused
By lacking a sense of humor.
Filed under Poems
Today I protested protests
By going to the store,
Putting items in my cart
Which I did then pay for.
I then departed quietly
And went back to my house
Where I tweeted “Peace and love”
Before I beat my spouse.
Filed under Poems
I said, “Girl, you are fine.”
She said, “Boy, you’re adequate.”
After that things went alright
And basically, well, that was it.
Filed under Poems
If someone stomps a snail to death,
Then snails burn down a city,
Why is that conducive to
Making people think snails aren’t shitty?
Filed under Poems
I got licked by a dog,
Then I got licked by a cat,
Then I got licked by my uncle
But the Feds put an end to that.
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Margaret died and stood by God
And looked on all there was:
An ageless, endless universe
With countless lives abuzz,
Singing songs that never stop
In perfect harmony
And Margaret said, “They must be sad
“To be there without me!”
Filed under Poems
I said “If”
She said, “Did I tell you about…”
I said “You”
She said “The time I had the doubt…”
I said “Don’t”
“About whether or not…”
I said “Shut”
“This eyeliner makes me hot…”
I said “Up”
“‘Cause I, like, wasn’t totally sure…”
I said “I”
“If this was chic or, like, couture…”
I said “Will”
“So I called my BFF…”
I said “Do”
“And was like, ‘Sup, my broseph…”
I said “What”
“And he was like, ‘Oh girl…”
I said “Epstein”
“That shade of ivory makes me hurl…”
I said “Didn’t.”
She would stop,
Or so I thought;
She kept talking;
I did not.
I hung around;
She tied the knot.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 