Do animals who reproduce
Asexually
Get turned on by the absence
Of phallic imagery?
Tag Archives: Poetry
Universal Spoiler Alert
“I think you’re wrong” said someone
Who thought that they were right.
“I think you’re wrong,” said someone else,
And they began to fight.
I’d bet a million pesos
You saw that on TV last night.
Filed under Poems
Only At My Own Jokes
Have you ever laughed so hard
You find it hard to breathe,
Your speech gets kinda slurry
And “wheeze” sounds just like “weathe,”
Your armpits start to sag a bit
And your facial hair falls out
And you say “no thanks” to cookies
From that visiting girl scout,
Your tongue gets heavy and falls off,
Your eyeballs leak pink ooze,
You start to smell in color
And hear good things on the news?
Basically that’s what happened,
So there’s the need to stare.
I laughed that hard this morning
When I told you that I care.
Filed under Poems
“An Updated Classic” Or “Backstory”
It was one of those days
When you want apple pie
But the waitress is cute
And you’re just too shy.
It’s one of those days
To spend at the riverbank
But when you drive there, the water’s
All stuck in a tank.
You want to hang out
With men who are classy
But good guys are drunk, so you settle
For guys who’re half-assy.
And you and your half-assy
Friends you’ll soon see
Just sit around singing
About mortality.
Oh my my,
I missed the American pie.
Drove my chevy to the levy
But the levy was dry,
And the good old boys
Were drinking whiskey and rye.
Yeah, I guess this’ll be
The day that I die.
Write About What You Know
If I were a possum
Life would still be awesome.
If I were a kangaroo
Our love would still be true.
If other marsupials I knew
This poem would have another stanza or two.
Filed under Poems
Small Dog, Big Mistake
I saw on my lawn, between the mounds
Of wood chips, a dog of 15 pounds.
It was white and fluffy and ugly as sin
And it was having its way with my newspaper bin.
So I snuck over and scooped him up.
Oh, you should have heard that pup!
He barked and wailed and growled and bit.
I knew no way to calm the…git
And so I took it to the pound
To hope the monster would be found.
The police met me at the door.
As I was cuffed, I asked “what for?”
I was arrested for my labors
For my lawn has no wood chips: ‘Twas my neighbor’s.
Filed under Poems
Ineffective Insults, Florida Edition
“Your mother is a gator
“And your sister smells like glue!”
I thought he’d be offended,
But he wasn’t ’cause it’s true.
Filed under Poems
Celebrity
I’m not saying
He was poor,
But he had no knocker
On his door.
He had one fridge
And one garage
And he used paper
In his collage.
He only owned
Twelve pairs of shoes
And rarely ever
Was on the news.
His watch was bought
For less than his car.
Lol! Peasants…
Humbly yours, The Star.
Filed under Poems
What Gets You Going
Look at me,
Your darling man,
And tell me what you see.
Are bulging arms
And washboard abs
All there is to me?
Is my gleaming hair
In the setting sun
What makes your heart seek mine?
Is it how I flee
When your husband gets home
At 8:00 instead of 9:00?
Filed under Poems
