I’m getting married in two weeks
And there’s a lot to do
So I’m taking a mental break
Until I say “I do.”
And when November comes around
My poems will come back.
For now though, may your dreams be light
And your teeth be free of plaque.
Tag Archives: Poetry
Are You A Bard? ‘Cause You Just Rolled A 20 For Seduction
I love you like a gelatinous cube.
I want to consume you completely
And make your all tingly with plenty of lube
When we meet in my dungeon discretely.
I’ve plenty of jewelry to give you
If you’ll just reach inside me and take it
And after my acid has burned you
We’ll forever be one (and be naked).
Yes, I move slowly, I’m squishy,
And I’ll even confess I’m a square
But although I am not the most dishy
I’ll listen to you ‘cause I care.
I’m made of a most caustic acid
And I’m more than a trifle transparent
But I’m seldom, if ever, found flaccid
And I just want to make it apparent
That I love you like a gelatinous cube and
My heart only has one endeavor:
I want to take you by your cute hand
And be with you now and forever.
Filed under Poems
Why Brand Name Matters
You’ve heard of fasting,
Juice cleanses, and diets.
I decided I’m growing
And thus I should try it…
But which one to pick?
Well, I like foreign dining
So I’ll eat naan and tacos
And avoid pain and whining.
We’ll have Greek food for lunch
And, for dinner, Korean.
Isn’t my ethnic cleanse plan
So delightfully freeing?
Filed under Poems
An Odd Relationship
Wicked kitty cat…
You bite me and make me bleed!
Wanna snuggle now?
Filed under Poems
When Your Wife Meets The Minotaur And Has To Give Birth In An Echoey Cave
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb
Little lamb…
Mary had a little lamb
And the obstetrician fainted
Fainted
Fainted…
Filed under Poems
Based On My Real Evening
I watched a movie on TV
About an animated queen.
It had more lotion ads
Than I’ve ever seen.
Also, insurance,
Restaurants, and cars…
Apparently peasants
Need moist skin to be stars?
And so as the princess
And sidekicks sang ballads
I dreamt good healthcare
And never-ending salads.
Then plot twist! Men are evil
And love cures all pain.
I’m grateful for friendship
Brought to you by Gain!
Filed under Poems
Realistic Goals
Tomorrow’s the day I’ll do everything
And be the best version of me.
I’ll accomplish my dreams and be happy
And authentically awesome to see.
I’ll shoot for the moon and I’ll hit it!
I’ll inspire the brave and the true!
But today I’ve reserved to be average
And embody “I’m fine, how are you”.
Filed under Poems
On Nursing And Duty
Roses are red
My fiancée is achey
So I have an excuse
If this poem seems flakey.
Filed under Poems
See? This Is Why All We See Are Stupid Moths!
The monarch butterfly revealed
It’s gold and ebony splendor,
The ruler with antennas fair
And wings both strong and tender.
Alas, his reign was shortened
When he came upon a boy
Who thought his wings were pretty
And he’d make a worthy toy.
The boy absconded with the bug
Who ruled the butterflies
And in a box of colorful corpses
Does now his body lie.
So I decry the practice
Of collecting bugs and lobby
That only spiders be collected
By those who hold this hobby.
Filed under Poems
The D&D Flowchart
If at first you don’t succeed
You may find wit is what you need;
If your wit should fail, then try
To punch your foe into the sky;
If the sky is far or your muscles weak
With silver tongue you next must speak;
And should you speak as does this poet
Conjure a fireball and throw it.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 