Tag Archives: Politics

My First Sponsor!

Dear readers, it gives me great Pride(tm) that my blog, a long-time proponent of mediocrity in all forms, has chosen to partner with America’s favorite soft drink:

PIDD!

PIDD! (or Performance Inhibiting Drug Drink) has been taking the world by storm (consensually, of course). Inspired by brands like Disney, Bud Light, and OceanGate, PIDD! is sinking its teeth into all the things that once made you happy like:

The NBA (Nubile Boys of America)

MMA (Male Maidens Association)

UPS (Un-Penissing Service)

UN (United Nations)

And many more!

PIDD! is the only soft drink that makes you softer in both body and mind. It helped Lia Thomas become the first man to win the NCAA women’s 500m freestyle, helped Caitlyn Jenner become Glamour Magazine’s first male Woman of the Year, and now it can help your children become anything we want them to be!

So just like Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, James Bond, and the other heroes of your childhood, crack open a can of PIDD! (or pour a lukewarm glass of inner-city tap water) and let’s toast a future where men don’t have to stay that way.

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Leftist Dilemmas

Sometimes I think the world would be better

If everyone wrote a well-worded letter

Politely requesting that all war be ended

But if we did that someone might be offended

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Campaign Ads, 2028

My fellow Americans

I stand before you today

To declare my intention to run

For president of the USA.

If I am elected

I promise to unite

A country that’s divided

Between the left and right.

Speaking of right, my campaign is sponsored

By Google Energy Drink.

It’s made with all of your favorite flavors

Because data showed us how you think.

Consume three cans of GED a day

Or we’ll share your browser history.

But back to how I’ll save our nation…

Find out tonight at 10:00 on History!

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DC Smoothies: Now Made With 100% Sustainably Harvested Peasant Tears

It is a truth we find self-evident

That the people who make the laws

Are the type to drink turtle smoothies

With biodegradable straws.

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I’d Take JarJar Binks At This Point

Obi-Wan Kenobi is our only hope

But will he run for president?

Another year of “nope”.

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24 Hours Of Visibility And The Whole System Collapses…

I think for one day a year

All taxes should be ignored

And you’ll see how gas is a dollar less

And your check is twenty percent more

And as you drive your car on roads

With a single pothole, wonder

Why do we support “our side” so much

When both sides keep sucking us under?

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Can I Be A Director Of Something Now?

Sometimes I look back and wonder

“Why didn’t I spend more time studying

“How to write mission statements?”

Then I assemble a committee to discuss

Whether retrospection is amenable

To well-ordered, politically-correct society:

Results pending.

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Give Me The Change You Want To See

You know how when you want to watch

A YouTube video

And just when it gets to the good part

The talent starts to show

An ad for “Raid: Shadow Legends”

Or some other mobile game

And you just skip ahead because

You think the ad is lame?

Well, that’s basically the state

Of politics today:

Companies sponsor actors

And we look the other way.

So if you want to change the world

Don’t buy Pfizer or Walmart.

Instead, please spend your hard-earned cash

On poetry to start!

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I Miss The 90’s

I remember when beer was manly

And women played women’s sports

And the internet had telephone cords

And kids went outside to build forts…

When a penny bought a tootsie roll

And a handshake was a deal

But nowhere in my memory

Were the politicians real.

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My Dirt On The Clintons

Once, a president under duress

Confessed to a great deal of stress.

‘Twas beyond his reach

To deliver a speech

So he gave out an email address.

—————————————————————

There was a political genius

Who possessed such a marvelous keenness.

He’d be more beloved, except

His PR was inept

On the point of interns and his penius.

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