He’s big and pink and fluffy,
Endearing, round, and puffy.
He’s very seldom scruffy…
It’s Murderface the Roach!
He loves your hugs and kisses.
He asks “you know what this is?
“It’s your dead former missus”
Says Murderface the Roach!
He’s the most huggable
Large chitinous bug able
To strangle you
In an alley at night!
He’s at home in the hood
Though he’s misunderstood
But if you bring that up
Best be ready to fight!
He’s got a friendly guise
That to trust would not be wise
Because he’ll stab you in the eyes.
It’s muuuuuuur
Deeeeeeer
Faaaaaaaaace
Theeeeeeeee
Rooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaa!
Ch.
Under the apple tree
You are you, I am me.
We can hug and kiss all day
And never hear the others say
“Why are you kissing that horse?”
They don’t understand of course
But under the apple tree… well, there
No one ever seems to care.
Filed under Poems
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger
Where did you go?
You went down my gullet
To where I don’t know.
Human, human
Dry your tears, wipe your eyes.
I’ll be with you forever
On your belly and thighs.
Filed under Poems
Once upon a time
A protagonist’s life was changed
By some sequential story elements
Non-Chronologically arranged
After which there was a sequel
In which similar events
Played out, but less excitingly
Than the ones that came from whence.
And finally a trilogy
Concluded with part three
In which plot elements resolved
And they released the first movie.
Filed under Poems
Let me tell the tale
Of the dwarf defined as Doc.
He was a man with paultry poultry
(Which is to say a tiny cock).
He’d be off to work each morning
With a high-ho and a pick
And he’d strike at stones much harder
Than his diminutive dwarven dick.
A princess came to stay with him
Despite her inhibitions.
Three days later she ate poison
Rather than stay in such conditions.
His beard is limp. His head is bald.
His eyes are beige and lumpy.
Since I’ve run out of insults
I’ll end the poem here. Love, Grumpy.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes I feel
Like I am trapped
In a snowglobe
All night and all day
But then I fall
Into the sky
And hit my head on the glass
And the feeling goes away.
Filed under Poems
As the stars align in the Summer sky,
As one century turns into the next,
So do we give thanks Bruce Jenner’s a guy
And people still call when, tempted, they might text.
We’re thankful that the world is small and flat,
That European powers rule it all.
Perhaps above all else we’re thankful that
No team would play with a deflated ball.
Yet as we smile, gratef’ly reminiscing
We dream of a future where a black man
Can be elected president, dissing
The establishment, saying “yes we can.”
And so we sleep comfortable in our world
Never suspecting it could be unfurled.
Filed under Poems
Waiting for the bus
In the rain
Next to other people
Who don’t have their bus passes.
Waiting for the bus.
Such a pain!
Other people are talking to me
Mostly out of their asses.
Waiting for the bus,
Not a train.
Other people haven’t gotten the hint that my failure to acknowledge their attempts to converse mean I don’t want to converse.
Such is the transport of the masses.
Then the bus arrives
And my jaw falls limply.
She steps off, so graceful,
So beautifully simply.
I watch her meander
Like a flower in the breeze,
Warm and fragile like stained glass
And as innocent as a sneeze.
I mean to call out to her
So she might look my way
But I find my tongue and brain
Cannot agree on what to say.
I dumbly watch her disappear
And without so much as fuss
I’m standing by myself once more
Just waiting for the bus.
PENNSBVWJDIKVKRBWBQKDOKVKVEBVRBRHFYCYALQBDBNZMCJRKRLFPCKNCNSNDKOFPELABXJOFPRPWNDBJCIFOEPWNXJCOOFKEKFKDNBRBFNJCJCJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ…
On a sandwich.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 