I called a 1-900 sex line
Out of curiosity.
I was informed my telephone
Would be charged a rather high fee.
I did the math and budgeted;
Eighty seconds is all I could be on.
So I pressed “pound” (and chuckled)
And got ready for a marathon.
Tag Archives: Postaday
Wisdom?
Treasure thy body
Above thy mind.
Brains can go shoddy,
But not dat behind.
Filed under Poems
The Shameless Plug
Although at first glance
He was a ball of hair,
And like “Sex, Lies, and Poetry”
He had an unapologetic air.
The hairball plugged my shower
And made the water stay
Like laughter at a poetry book
Or homeless guys at a KOA.
The shameless plug held water
So I was forced to buy Drano.
It cost me almost $5.99.
What a fantastic low price! Whoa!
So now my shower drains just fine.
The shameless plug has fled.
Now I’m happy and clean, and my only wish
Is to read some funny poems in bed.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Hunger Games
I did an activity in a setting
That evokes a novel mood,
Then you you see my way of life
And my love interest dude.
Then it’s all turned upside down
In this young adult dystopia,
And I have to kill some children
Packed inside a cornucopia.
Eventually I win the games,
Then I go back my fam.
Then I go on a victory tour
In a super-high-tech tram.
I see some starving people
And they kiss their fingers at me.
I say some stupid, honest stuff
And hope they’ll let me be.
Alas, I’m wrong, and the mean white guy
Puts me back in the game.
I bust out with an arrow.
A shoddy forcefield’s to blame.
I find myself deep underground
Amidst a rebel plot,
And I get to dress up like a bird
And get the rebels hot.
We fight a war and sort of win
(‘Cause lots of people die).
Then I marry love interest
And bid you all good bye.
Filed under Poems
Alternate History
It’s the little things in history
That changed the world we know,
Like how we’d all be drinking taxed tea
If it weren’t for that Washington schmo.
What if Egypt hadn’t come along
And stolen Moses’s guys,
Or if medieval barbarians
Had toilet paper (just two plies).
Would the dark ages have ended
If the Visigoths used their head
And gained a tactical advantage
By bein invisi-goths instead?
And what if all this happened
And then Superman got drunk
And flew around the world so fast
That suddenly history stunk?
How would history be different
If this poet were never born?
You’d be stuck with Robert Frost,
Or else be watching porn.
Thus endeth my ideas,
Written down via Roman letters.
But think of how, if things had changed,
This poem would be betters.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
My Mornings
When I wake up, I fill my bath
And my lake of boiling acid.
I brush my teeth and poke my sharks
To stop them from getting placid.
I make my bed and shine my button
(The red one that says “die”)
Then I stroke my pet and eat paté
‘Til the heroes come on by.
On Saturdays I watch the news
And write something for my blog,
Then I go for a weekend drive
And swerve to hit a dog.
On Sundays I like to sleep in
And skip this whole routine.
After all, it’s hard to be
So consistently mean.
Filed under Poems
Field of Dreams
Today our team faces the Knights
In a thrilling afternoon match.
The Knights are undefeated
And have never missed a catch.
The sky is blue, the grass is green,
The clouds are fluffy white.
The weather report says “chance of rain”
And I’m praying that it’s right.
Filed under Poems
Steal From The Naughty, Give To His Homies
If Santa were a rapper,
He’d also be a pirate.
Here’s the evidence for how I know:
Rappers greet each other
By saying “yo” most often,
So rapper/pirate Santa’d say “yo ho ho!”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 