I want to hire a deaf guy
To go to Olive Garden, where a
Waiter will grate a block of cheese
Onto his pasta marinara
And when the waiter asks “enough”
The deaf guy will stay quiet.
This is a lifelong dream of mine…
Know any deaf folks who would try it?
Filed under Poems
The world has three types of people:
Those who raise awareness for issues,
Those who laugh at the awareness-raisers,
And those who think the other types
Should be the change they want to see.
Unfortunately, the type who make changes
Require a 200 GB update to the system
And God still has dialup.
Filed under Poems
“I went to the club and blew 50 bucks”
Is a normal enough thing to say
Unless you happen to be a deer
And especially one who is gay.
Filed under Poems
And the Lord said unto women:
Unto the lake you’ll goeth swimmin’
And the men will paint you and make art.
And the Lord said unto men:
Here’s a paper and pen.
Also, laugh every time you say “fart.”
***
John begat Jonah
And Jonah begat Josh
And Josh begat Evan
Who said “Oh my gosh
“My name is, like, Eve now
“And I’m not one of you men.”
And thus God prepared
For a flood once again.
***
In the beginning
There were two Gods above,
All powerful beings
And madly in love.
One God said, “Oh other God
“I’m pregnant with Earth.”
Other God said “We’re out of milk.
“See ya after the birth!”
Filed under Poems
There once was a hush-money trial
That went on for quite a while.
The jury used their melon
And decided he’s a felon
But he’ll still win votes with a smile.
Filed under Poems
In 1999 they released a film
About an old guy that starts a galactic war
Where one side wants free markets
And one side wants big government
But they both serve the same exact dark lord
Now in 2024 we’re given a choice
Between two wrinkly warmongers as well
And I’m going to vote for the one
Who shoots lightning from his thumbs
‘Cause that’s the objectively cooler ruler of Hell.
Filed under Poems
My aunt installed some software
From an disreputable source
And it wreaked havoc on her life
(As these things do, of course).
Turns out it gave her pink-eye,
So in case you’re not aware
This is the first case of illness caused
By aunt eye-virus software.
Filed under Poems
I believe in a world without sin,
Where nobody’s mean and we all fit in,
A world without sorrow or famine or fear
But it doesn’t have cake, so I’m fine staying here.
Filed under Poems
Once some Spartans got bored
And one of them grabbed a sword.
They said “We can stab you
“Or instead spear you too”
And thus democracy was restored.
Filed under Poems
Tonight we watched 300
(My wife and I, that is).
I learned of Leonidas
And the courage that was his
To lead a band of brothers
To their deaths love and freedom.
My wife also enjoyed the abs
And told me that I need ‘em.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 