The pilot said I could not fly
With two corpses. I wanted to fight him
But the rules were clear: I could not bring
More than one carrion item.
Tag Archives: Puns
Peasant Problems
They told me to lift dumbbells
‘Cause my arms were far too thin.
I couldn’t check if they were right
‘Cause Congress wouldn’t let me in.
Filed under Poems
A Spartan Limerick
Imagine that after a battle
You found an Athenian child with the cattle…
The adopter would be thanked
But if the kid couldn’t be spanked
The adopters are up a Greek without a paddle.
Filed under Poems
Is The Red Meat Yellow?
If you ever meet a cannibal
And it wants to eat your flesh
And you want to look less finger-lickin’ good
Then scream and cry and wail
‘Cause cannibals don’t like
The taste of chicken. Are we understood?
Filed under Poems
The Fact That I Think This Is Hilarious Is Also Hilarious… Or Is That Just Me?
If I were Chinese and Italian
My name would be Ho D’Addario.
I’d feel happy in my rural home
(But probably concealed carry though).
And one day I would know
My life was going well
When folks’d say “Hi Ho D’Addario!
“The farmer’s in the dell!”
Filed under Poems
Checkmate Feminists!
Men are from Mars.
Women are from Venus.
You can’t be happy
Without a hap-piness.
Filed under Poems
Waxing Philosophical (Hume’r Wasn’t In Descartes)
I think that great philosophers
Who from the old days came
Were the ones who didn’t laugh
At each others’ stupid names.
Think of how the commons laughed
And asked Ptolemy why
They had to spell his name
Starting with a silent pi.
Think of how these silly names
Through laughter would disable those
Who sought to set their Platos
And forkos on the tableos.
Think of poor Epictetus
The flat-chested stoic
And poor Heraclitus
Whose parents misspelled “heroic.”
I hope there’ve Bentham fun times
Locke’d within this rant.
Some days I’m very Thoreau
But today I said “I Kant.”
Filed under Poems
Single Man Seeking Non-Sequitur, Dirty-Minded Grammar Nazi Female
You laughed at me unreasonably
When I said “my name is Ben”
‘Cause you were thinking of the ’50s
When a lot of future men
Had names like Richard Jr.
But went by “Little Dick,”
And after you told me this
I knew you’re a girl whom up I should pick.
Filed under Poems
The Morning News
Good morning, I’m your anchorman
Stu Earlyforme.
Today, Beverly Hills, 90210
Cleveland Browns, 3.
In an unrelated story
UPS has hired
For delivering heavy packages
River, a female tiger.
Though mostly quite successful
She’s been criticized of late. These
Critics say its dangerous
When the tigress River meets yo’ freight needs.
A new study from Harvard
Indicates the transgender switch
Can give patients speech impediments.
It’s titled “Man or Myth?”
And finally porn star ventriloquist
Ada Youknowwhat faced rejection
When pitching her new sitcom
Entitled “Yeast Inflection.”
Filed under Poems
That Blows!
My urine is made of pure oxygen
Because of a disease that’s rare.
It’s not that bad except for the fact
That my parents called me “Pierre.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 