An eon ago, when the earth was young
And all the people spoke one tongue
The brain had a chamber that now just slumbers
That it used for remembering friends’ phone numbers.
Legend says when it awakes
And says, “Well gosh, for goodness sakes,
“That was a spiffy power nap”
Humanity will turn to crap.
Filed under Poems
There once was a clock on a wrist
That one day became rather pissed.
It said “Time isn’t real,
“So how does that feel?”
Now it is for sale on Craigslist.
Filed under Poems
You’ve heard of Brontosaurus,
You’ve heard Triceratops,
Tyrannosaurus Rex of course,
And even the Cyclops,
But there’s one ancient animal
That didn’t live for long…
And that mystery dinosaur
Is the subject of this song:
I sing of Tacosaurus,
The terror of the south,
With a crispy shell of golden corn
And veggies in its mouth!
It roamed across the world until
Plant and meat eaters both
Decided they were tasty.
“Nom nom,” did others quoth.
So died the Tacosaurus,
But paleontologists think it’s swell
That such a mighty dinosaur
Was saved by the Taco Bell.
Filed under Poems
They used to be marooned
On an island, all alone,
Without food or water
Or even a smartphone.
Now 16 survivors
Have to stay at a 2-star hotel
With only basic cable and
Non-organic hair gel.
In the old days, the survivors
Would compete in feats of strength,
Rewarded for success by an
Increase in isolation’s length.
Now they have to listen
As someone reads offensive tweets
And try as hard as possible
To not cry from their seats.
I guess the type of people
Who can live outside the city
Don’t sign up for TV shows
And I think that’s a pity.
Now excuse me as I watch
Carsten, Miracle, and Regan
Compete for who goes longest
Without saying “I’m a vegan.“
Filed under Poems
Some days you are happy
And some days not so much,
Like when you’re buying groceries
Like bread and fruit and such,
And you put a bag down
And unbeknownst to you
A pineapple falls out upon
A chair not in your view.
Later, when you’re tired
From putting food away
You sigh and stretch and yawn
And then you murmur, “What a day.”
Some days you are miserable;
Some days you sing and dance.
Today I did both, for I sat without thinking
And also without wearing pants.
Filed under Poems
There are only two types of men
That I have ever met:
The type who name their genitals
And the type who aren’t born yet.
Filed under Poems
I found an amazing solution
To everything that’s ever been bad,
A panacea that renders meaningless
Every problem that I’ve ever had.
This solution is what we call “apathy,”
And it means that you don’t give a shit.
It’s an amazing, awesome, and wonderful thing
Even though I haven’t mastered it.
Filed under Poems
“Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee”
Is just a longer way to say
“Be like a bee.” Butterflies suck.
Also, bees die when they sting, so ok…
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I am a homeless student
Who’s unemployed so, knock on wood,
I won’t have any homework
So I guess my life is good.
Filed under Poems
Rainbows, rainbows, go away
Let the sky be blue!
If we want something colorful
Then fireworks will do!
And while we are at home, watching
The rainbows go away
We can watch football again
Without it being gay.
I can’t wait until the day
When rainbows dissipate
And I am blamed for being white
Instead of being straight.
Rainbows, rainbows, go away
As June turns to July…
But leave behind lesbian porn
And George Takei’s “Oh My.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 