Some folks say that God is dead,
But that’s misinformation.
The real truth is God is gone
On one big long vacation.
He asked his faithful angel pal
To water his plant before bed,
But the angel pal misread the note
And watered the planet instead.
Tag Archives: Silly
When People Write In Nothing But Emojis
The longest month of springtime,
A ball that helps you see,
A band with too much makeup,
And a goat we named “Marie.”
I meant to be romantic
But she had no clue
That I was simply asking
“May I kiss you?”
📆👁🐼🎵🐐?
Filed under Poems
The String Theory of Christmas
‘Twas the night after Christmas
And the night before too…
Santa worked with the time machine
‘Til he turned blue,
For he needed to ship out
A few billion presents
To all of the children
Of all of the peasants.
The flux gear grew wonky
(Which you’ll see is not great)
And entangled poor Santa
Into some quantum state.
For Santa existed
And yet he did not,
As is demonstrable by
Some guy “Schroedinger’s” thought.
And so if you ask
“Mama, is Santa flying?”
She should say “yes AND no,”
Or else mama is lying.
Filed under Poems
At Least The Pills Are Small
If you’re an ant
And you just can’t
Because of your upset tummy
So you eat a tum
And murmur “yum”
Because you’re not a dummy
But then you’re sad
And feel bad
And wish the pain hadn’t pass-ed
You take a bite
That feels right
Of an ant-anti-antacid.
Filed under Poems
The Thief’s Downfall
I scouted out the diamond vault.
I broke in late at night.
I yoga’ed through the laser beams
And set the door alight.
I grabbed the bag of jewels
As the distant sirens screamed,
But as I made my exit
I forgot something, it seemed…
My velvet gloves were black as jet,
My goggles oversized.
My bicycle-powered plane was fast
But soon I realized
I’d left my top hat in the vault
As through the clouds I sailed.
Yes, I got away scot free
But, in my heart, I’d failed.
Filed under Poems
Famous Last Words from History
Long ago, when Earth was young
And Blockbuster was a thing
My girlfriend wanted me to find
A Pixar film to bring
So we might watch a family film
Where balloons can lift a house
Because we already saw the ones
With Toys and the gourmet mouse.
So I left home that evening
O’er icy roads to see
If the Blockbuster Video
Would rent us ‘Up’ on DVD.
All was fine at first
Until I parked and stepped outside
At which point I took quite a spill
And eventually I died…
My final act was calling
My beloved on my cell
As I saw the tunnel fill with light
And started off to Hell:
“Hey honey, this is Jeremy.
“You’d best put down your cup.
“I just wanted to let you know
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get ‘Up.'”
Filed under Poems
Starting With The End In Mind
I wanted to be a journalist,
A master of the black and white,
But they said “You can’t ’cause you’re a bear.”
I studied far and wide
And bought the AP style guide,
But still no one would hire me… no fair.
Then one day I got a deal
To write one article for real
About how to better manage stress.
It was temp work, but hey!
Now I’m honest when I say
I am the only true Panda, Ex-Press.
Filed under Poems
Strange Phobias
There once was a young christmas tree
Who saw mom and dad chopped by me.
It stands still for now,
But someday, somehow
It will run fresh out of mercy…
Filed under Poems
Oh No… OH NO!
I wondered what the worst news ever could be
And I finally have an answer:
It’s hearing your wife of 70 years
Tell you she has testicular cancer.
Filed under Poems
Who Sang It Better?
I saw an advertisement
While mountain-climbing with my baby.
She asked, “Should we remove it?”
And I replied with, “Maybe.”
So up we climbed, so happy
And the snow made us reflective,
Until we turned around and looked
With our lenses-corrective
At what we later learned
Was a mass of falling soil
Which depressed me, for I knew my life
Was little more than toil.
In hindsight, I took my love
And I took ad down,
Climbed a mountain
And turned around,
I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
‘Til a landslide brought me down.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 