I met a beauty in the lab
And we talked of time and space
And before the time had finished
We were walking to my place.
Things were getting steamy
And as she turned off the light
I said “This is like water
“Exceeding 212 degrees Fahrenheit!”
Tag Archives: Silly
Please Examine This Excel Graph And Identify The Precise Moment I Did Not Get Laid
Filed under Poems
You Get Equality! And You Get Equality! Everybody Gets Equality!
A growing social concern
That, to us, recently came
And affects the common person
Is Inequality of Fame.
Some folks are very famous
And some people are not
And it’s patently unfair
And it ain’t how it ought.
I suggest a policy
Wherein all people must
Create a social profile
With a media giant we trust
And exactly one trillion people
And never more or less
Must follow every profile
So society won’t regress.
If everybody’s famous
We’ll have perfect mental health.
Then maybe a trillion dollar minimum wage
Can do the same for wealth!
Update: It’s come to this poet’s attention that white, heterosexual, natal-males still exist, so this probably won’t happen for a while.
Filed under Poems
Just A Tip: Wait ‘Til All Is Revealed
Ladies: I am five-foot-two,
Bald, and overweight
With a salary four figures long
And a commemorative bowling plate.
Now sure, I know you’re thinking
“Does he know how bad that sounds?”
Well… if they circumcised me
I would lose 100 pounds…
Filed under Poems
Realistic Aspirations
There are a lot of things
That you will never be:
You’ll never be an airplane
Or a cup of Earl Grey tea.
You’ll never be a unicorn
Or a tube of chili paste
Or a fan of Hip-Hop music
Who has impeccable taste.
You’ll never be a lantern
Or a humble guy from Yale,
But thanks to human effort
You may just become a whale.
When Gen Z Starts Procreating
If I ever have a baby
With the person I call “Honey,”
I will name it “In the Headlights”
‘Cause when we sing “Happy Birthday” it’ll be funny.
Filed under Poems
Why They REALLY Monitor School Lunches
There once was a senator from Naboo
Who, of the Sith Order, knew.
One day he used the dark side,
Shot some lightning and died…
I guess he had a peanut allergy too!
Filed under Poems
He Didn’t See That Coming Either
I met a guy
Who was afraid of the ocean,
The salt and the seaweed
And unending motion.
I said “You can fix it!
“Come swimming with me!”
Then I murdered and canned him
‘Cause he was Chicken of the Sea.
Filed under Poems
But No! The Advertisers HAD To Lie To You…
I think the greatest opportunity
Anyone ever missed
Was “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”
Not making butter, ’cause what a twist!
Filed under Poems
H*ck Yeah!
If you’re afraid someone might think
That you’re sort of a d*ck
Then emulate the mainstream news
And use this little tr*ck
Wherein you take a common word
Like ch*cken, sn*ke, or d*sc
And replace one relevant l*tter
With a h*ndy asterisk!
N*body can blame you
Or say you’re being r*de
‘Cause words like f*ck and bullsh*t
Are not, in themselves cr*de.
Don’t w*rry about the fact
That you can read all this just f*ne:
What m*tters is that readers
Know you h*ven’t got a sp*ne.
Filed under Poems
As The Animals Become More Dangerous…
If wishes were horses
The poor would ride.
If wishes were tigers
The poor would hide.
If wishes were wives
The poor would go fishing.
If wishes were were lawyers
I wish we’d quit wishing.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 