In the future you’ll go to buy groceries
And the checkout robot will ask
To confirm that you are human
By completing a simple task:
Enter your username and password
And a random six-digit code
That was transmitted to your brain chip
From the authenticator node
Except your authenticator
Got a security update
That prevents your internal keyboard
From typing the number “8”
So you pause your grocery buying
And call the password reset guy
Which is just another robot
And you check “yes” to die.
Filed under Poems
I’m not much of a gangster
And I’m not a street-smart guy
So can anyone enlighten me
How so much gets you high?
For example, bath salts
And keyboard cleaner cans
Made someone want to sniff them
And promptly earned their bans…
Who are the people purchasing
And sniffing random goods
To see if something in them
Makes them feel different moods?
And if it’s not trial and error
But some scientific knowledge
That tells you what’s worth selling
On the street to pay for college
Then why aren’t people using
This backroom chemical expertise
To make it so the methheads
Can unabashedly say “cheese”?
Filed under Poems
I’ve got a great idea
For a really catchy song.
We’ll play the tune for the first minute
But it’s eleven minutes long
So the rest of it will be me
Playing a random sexy lick
Until you forget that you were listening…
Yeah, that’ll do the trick!
Filed under Poems
Sunny Summer day
Fluffy clouds and gentle breeze
Now I’m way too tan
Filed under Poems
I think we need a reverse Make-a-Wish
Where kids with cancer go see
Some self-absorbed millionaire bozos
Who’re all caught up in “poor me”,
And little bald Kaleb can smile
And give Mr. Rich a high five.
If we do this enough they might donate stuff
And the cancer kids might stay alive.
Filed under Poems
Mercury has thermometers.
Venus has carnivorous plants.
Mars has chocolate candy
But Earth gets freakin’ ants?!
Filed under Poems
If you’d like a hamburger
It only costs a dollar.
If you want cheese on it
It’ll cost you dollars two.
Want to add some bacon?
That’s two dollars fifty.
Want some avacado?
Your firstborn kid will do.
Filed under Poems
Did you hear about the filmmaker
Named “Very Clumsy Greg”
Who was famous on the set
For always hurting his leg?
Well, one day during filming
As a scene was to begin
He said, “Lights”, then he said “camera”,
And then he said, “Ack! Shin!”
Filed under Poems
The nice thing about AI ads
Is that they’re poorly done
So I’ve no need to buy their stuff
And so declare we won.
Another proof of victory
Is that the CEOs shelled out
A lot of money for this tech
And thus without a doubt
Will double down on ineffective
Tools for advertising.
AI will bring a golden age
Of happily not buying!
Filed under Poems
We complain about shrinkflation
Like half-empty bags of chips
Or getting a 15-ounce container
With just 12 ounces of dips
And yet for all my lifetime
We’ve still bought those honey bears
And you can’t squeeze honey through their neck
But no one really cares…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 