Timmy wasn’t happy.
Timmy threw a fit.
Timmy is annoying.
He’s a little piece of shit.
Timmy has a blanket
That teacher took away.
Timmy started crying
‘Cause he’s dumb and fat and gay.
The office called Ms. Timmy
And said “your son is sad”.
Ms. Timmy said, “He should be
“‘Cause he never met his dad.”
Then Timmy got a rifle
From the democratic party
And he took a shot at Donald
And now they call him “Smarty.”
Filed under Poems
There was a movie about mental illness
That everyone actually liked
And, because of it, interest
In DC movies spiked.
Why not make a sequel
That’s a musical joke
And make it a franchise
And also all woke?
Filed under Poems
Nobody with a time machine killed Hitler
And nobody stopped the Spanish Inquisition
And single-player games require the internet
Which puts us in an interesting position:
Do we accept that no one will ever make
A machine that can travel back in time
Or do we think time travelers are stopping even worse stuff
And accept that maybe everything’s fine?
Filed under Poems
If you ever feel like a failure
Know that someone made a living
From that video of Grandpa
Getting drunk that one Thanksgiving
But your video of falling
Off a bridge ain’t got no views…
So yeah, you fail at failing,
But isn’t that good news?
Filed under Poems
If you never wear black clothes
And walk through parking lots at night
While making deep eye contact
With your cell phone, you just might
Never get to call your lawyer
And get ten-mil in compensation
For no reason other than
Having your legs lose all sensation.
Filed under Poems
The homework problem said:
“What is the natural log of 4?”
I said “I was raised a middle-class kid, and I’m the only person on the debate stage tonight who has a plan to lift up the middle class and working people of America.”
Apparently, I got a perfect score.
Filed under Poems
So memes are illegal in California
And guns are illegal in cities
And being illegal is totally legal
And we still haven’t freed the titties?
Filed under Poems
You know how the female fantasy
Used to be being held in a tower
Until a brave prince came a calling,
Slayed a dragon, and exercised power?
Well, now the female fantasy
Is to be the brave dragon who can
And wondering why the princes won’t die
To save damsels who don’t need a man.
Filed under Poems
So Tuesday night on ABC
Two candidates arrived
And competed for whose speeches
Sounded the least contrived.
Some faces asked them questions
Which neither deigned to answer.
It assured me of my decision:
That it’s time to vote for cancer.
Filed under Poems
Government is what happens
When you can’t share a cake
So mom and dad call the neighbor
Who takes the cake from you
And eats 90 percent of it
And gives you all a piece of celery
That doesn’t even have peanut butter
And invades Iran
Because you’re racist.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 