If you think you need
To drive a faster speed
When your car’s ahead of mine
Then all is good and fine.
If you would go faster
When behind me, I’m your master.
Yes, that makes me a jerk
But oh boy does it work!
Category Archives: Poems
The One-Question Political Test
What is the answer?
a. Jesus
b. Patriarchy
c. Climate Change
d. Freedom
Filed under Poems
That One Episode Of Whatever Sci-Fi Show Had The Right Idea
I think we should legalize drugs
And make them free with dosage immense;
Everyone who wants drugs will be happy
And then die. I just think it makes sense!
Filed under Poems
But In Europe, It’s Free!
I had a headache yesterday
So I went to my doc.
He said I have moderate-to-severe cephalalgia
And I need twice-daily Quperoc.
He said thanks to science
And two tablets twice a day
I would be able to ensure
My headache is gone away.
I might experience side effects
But I didn’t read the fine print.
Now I have no headache
And my skin’s a purplish tint…
I went to the doctor
With a pounding in my head.
Now I have cancer, anal fissures,
Gout, low T, and I am dead.
Filed under Poems
Yeah… So Much For “Anything Can Happen”
There once were eight teams
With ambitions and dreams
Of competing for Super Bowl glory.
The boring teams won
And we didn’t have fun
And that’s today’s NFL story.
Filed under Poems
Ask Me About My School Lunch Policy
If I had a peanut
For every time I had a dark thought
There we be fewer kids with allergies
And crematoriums would profit a lot.
Filed under Poems
Phoning This One In…
There once was a phone with low battery
That I tried to charge with some flattery.
I said, “Hey there Samsung.
“You look very well hung.”
But it died and now I can’t be chattery.
Filed under Poems
Just Get A Liiiiittle Bit Angrier With Every Line
Sandy sand is on the beach.
I am pink just like a peach.
The sun shines on the sand and me
But I get burnt and it goes free.
I am angry at the sand
So I grab a shovel and
Stab it in its sandy bum.
Now it’s a castle and I feel dumb.
Sand is now my enemy.
I need cash but it lives free.
Sand’s just dirt, so I ask why
I must become it when I die?
The government has outlawed drugs
And pitching tents for homeless thugs
But the substance I think should be banned?
Yes! You guessed it! F***ing sand!
Filed under Poems
Some Day My Wife Will Hear Me Singing This And She’ll Slip Quietly Out The Back And Never Be Seen Again
Hush little baby! Don’t you cry
Or I’ll play you an elephant lullaby
And all that trumpeting hurts your ears
And sure, maybe daddy’s had one too many beers…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 