“There’s no such thing as magic”
Is what the stranger said,
So I dropped the pulsing rainbow orb
And hit him with a pan instead.
Category Archives: Poems
Halloween Eve And Christmas Eve Are Not The Same
Tomorrow we’ll dress up
And take candy from strangers
Then listen to music
About Santa and mangers
But tonight we’ll eat ice cream
And go to Ikea
And buy toilet paper
For Tuesday’s diarrhea.
Filed under Poems
Sometimes Inspiration Doesn’t Help
There once was a writer’s-blocked poet
Who needed to write but didn’t want to blow it.
He Googled “poetry prompt generator”
And five minutes later
Took a photo of the prompt, and here he will show it:
Filed under Poems
Pixar Lamp Has A New Rival
By chance a man died at a hardware store.
He dropped hundreds of lamps all over the floor.
Detectives had no idea how he ended up dead
But then a light bulb popped over their head!
Filed under Poems
What’s Holding You Back?
There is a wall between the grass
That’s greener than our own,
That’s free of weeds and full of dew
And smells so freshly mown.
There’s a man who wants to climb
The wall, but has no rope.
He’s laughed at by the man who has no hands.
Crying in the shadows
Is a man who has no hope
And one who has no time to climb
Because of life’s demands.
One man has no body
Since he died a year ago
And another has no body
For he was never born at all.
Last among the dreamers
And the lowest of the low
Is the man who loves the grass beyond
But is five-foot-eleven tall.
Filed under Poems
What Your Teacher Is Really Thinking About
I remember when saying “Thank you Ma’am”
Was polite, not a micro-aggression.
I recall when when “Boys and girls”
Was how you called kids to attention.
I was there when, instead of a mask,
We taught kids to cover their cough.
Now I work and stay quiet ‘cause I can’t deny
It is nice to still get summers off.
Filed under Poems
Yes, It Was A Number 2
I never knew what would happen
If you stabbed wood and graphite
On the end of a fork-like utensil,
So I did it and swallowed.
I was shocked by what followed:
The next day I pooped out a pencil!
Filed under Poems
If Only The British Had An Army Of Sentient Bears, America Might Never Have Existed #ThingsFootballTaughtMe
One day in ye olde Boston faire
Some guys had a tea party there.
Then some bears mauled them… mean!
33 to 14
And yeah, the analogy ends there.
Filed under Poems
Lazy Evening… Sue Me
Sitting by the fire
And my Seahawks won today.
Long day, short poem.
Filed under Poems
Morning At The Vineyard
It’s morning at the vineyard
And the weather’s looking fine!
We sing hurrah and pick syrah
By bunches off the vine.
There’s Malbec for our jelly
And cabernet for wine,
Filling bucket after bucket
With pickers numbering nine.
My girl may have partaken
Of a bottle from last year.
The leaves stay green and limber
Though its fruit will disappear.
With truck beds full and spirits high
We loose a mirthful cheer!
Now we’re on the highway home
With the pickers we hold dear.
Tomorrow we’ll de-stem the lot
And barrel it to wait
Until next year’s excursion
Or ‘til 2028.
It’s a family tradition
So we all participate,
Bottling mornings in the vineyard,
Packing memories by the crate.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 