Category Archives: Poems

Fro Yo, Before Black People Made That A Greeting/Hairstyle

Somebody once grabbed a cow by the teats

And sucked out the milk and called it good eats

But a little fermented and got full of germs

And people just couldn’t come to grips or terms

So they filled it with sugar and put fruit on the bottom

And sold it in little plastic cups, and folks bought ‘em.

Then someone froze it and, eyes all agleam,

Said “People should buy this instead of ice cream!”

Most of the world disagreed, but alas

White peoplee adored it and paid through the ass.

All over the country we now eat frozen yogurt

Like Iowans mow lawns, and Nevadans mow dirt.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

My Kind Of Superpower

Have you ever noticed

How a cat can lie down

On any surface at all

And just go to town,

Floppy, relaxed,

Happy as can be

On the edge of a bed

Or the top of a TV?

I wish I had the power

To flop anywhere

And be totally comfy

And free of all care

But instead I’m in bed now

And my heart rate is spiking

Because my pillow’s a little

Too warm for my liking…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Another Cow Poem

Jared was still very small

When he saw cattle fall

Into a slumber, fast and deep.

With no reason or rhyme

Someone said “It’s pasture bedtime”

And so Jared went home and fell asleep.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Just Wait ‘Til He Learns They Eat Cat In China

Jared was a little dude

From Syracuse, New York

Who used to think his favorite meat

Was barbecue pulled pork.

Then he came upon a crowd

Of masturbating cattle

And now he says Beef strokin’ off

Has won the “best meat” battle.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

She’s Cute Though…

My girl was trying to write

A poem for me tonight

She tried rhyming “dominion”

With “In my girls arms”

And that’s when we started the fight.

She requested I write her original poem

So here it is, verbatim:

“The Happiest Place On Earth”

Some may call it Disneyland

But we did not meet a bug.

Others call it Ikea,

Though we came home with a rug.

In my own opinion

The happiest dominion

Is that the happiest place on earth

Is in my girl’s arms.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

The 11.5th Man

Today I watched a once great team

Catch on fire, but die as steam,

Lead on offense by a bust

Who makes us say “In Smith We Trust.”

On the flip side now I know

How Michael Jackson puts on a show.

Do we suck? Yeah, probably!

But I still love the hawks, so whee!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

She-Hulk, Attorney At Law

What if we made a TV show

For people who love manly heroes

That starred a green, feminist lawyer

And had a budget with multiple zeroes

Who lectures the characters we know and love

And faces no relevant threats?

Oh, and let’s call our core audience ‘bigots’

And see how many millions it nets!

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

House Party

Two tiny dancing flames,

Twin wicks of a pink candle

That smells like the ocean,

Flickering, twisting,

Casting their glow on the ceiling,

Inspiring the curtains to surrender

And burst into their own dancing flames.

Soon the carpet dances

And the furniture and the lawn.

A pretty red truck arrives,

Singing a merry two-note song

And the men from the calendar

Let water join the festivity.

Somewhere nearby, a cat

Sits in a tree, unrescued

While the humans are upset

And the flames cherish the day,

Their last and finest,

Until the next little candle hosts a ball.

1 Comment

Filed under Poems

Why Some Plants Go Extinct

“Anybody want some peas?”

Everyone said yes.

“Anyone want pewps?”

Perhaps next year, I guess…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems

Haiku for Hope

Broken pottery

By the lawn I haven’t mown

And my old blue truck;

Living comfortably

And all that I sacrificed

Was my lofty goals.

Then a cool pillow

When I wake and feel refreshed

Like when I was young;

That ginger sunrise

Isn’t unattainable

If I love enough.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems