Beds are safe and soft and warm
And in them you won’t come to harm.
But when you wake to pee at night
Then be harmed you may well might.
That’s why when you have to pee
Don’t get up for the W.C.
Your mattress was absorbantly designed
And I promise mom and dad won’t mind!
Filed under Poems
!sdren …kcab ti daer ot troffe taerg ot oG
ot dediced ohW
uoy a osla saw erehT
.sdrow kcal did eh dnim sih ni esuaceB
sdrawkcab etorw ohw yug a saw ecno erehT
Filed under Poems
There once was an actor named Will
Who was punished for slapping, until
He thought “I’ll never be arrested
“If they knew I molested
“And trafficked minors for capitol hill!”
Filed under Poems
It rises like a mountain,
Slopes gently like a hill,
Softer than a lullaby
And gives me such a thrill;
A spectacle, a marvel,
And my mouth will never shut
As I gaze with loving splendor
On my girl’s majestic butt.
Filed under Poems
It patrols the oceans, breathing in and out
Horrible and jolly all at once.
Scientists see it and ponder about
Whether perhaps this is how the beast hunts?
Don’t underestimate musical cheer;
It’s bite is as fierce as its bark.
Yes, if you see it you’ll quiver in fear…
The majestic harmonica shark!
Filed under Poems
Somebody jumped out of a plane one day
With a bedsheet, said “Wahoo!”
And a generation of millennials will decide if they lived
By whether or not they did that too.
Filed under Poems
Today I stood at the gas pump
And couldn’t help but feel
That one Bitcoin for a gallon of gas
Will once again be a good deal.
Filed under Poems
There once was a woman whose hair
Was, due to alopecia, not there.
One guy smacked a comic
And I find it ironic
That anyone still seems to care.
Filed under Poems
In almost every fairy tale
Before Disney went woke
Someone would be destitute…
Good-looking, yes, but broke.
Someone else would come along
And always do what’s right
And the two of them would marry
And ride off into the night.
The question that arises
But that Disney still ignores
Is how “Happily ever after”
Can coexist with chores,
How princesses and monsters
And kings and queens and knights
Can say that they are happy
Despite their many fights,
That life keeps getting in their way
And still they smile on,
Breathing fire in the evening
Yet they’re safe again at dawn.
These fairy tales could have said
“And from then on the chose
“Always to be partners
“Even when they felt like foes.”
But instead, soon I suspect
Disney will say “Though rage
“Occasionally dampened their spirits,
“They were saved by a higher minimum wage.”
Filed under Poems
There once was a chicken from Spain
Who was in a whole lot of pain.
I said to him, “Yo yo!
“‘Sup, suffering pollo?”
He said “Puckaw” with disdain.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 