I offered a homeless guy a place
To sleep under my roof.
He said to me, “I’m not a ceiling fan.”
Then to himself: “Lol, what a goof!”
Category Archives: Poems
LGBTQ, Not 10JQKA
I like to play poker with drag queens
‘Cause whenever they draw an ace
You know right away
‘Cause you know what they say:
They struggle to keep a straight face.
Filed under Poems
Sacrifice
She had wavy golden hair
That fell below her knees
The color of the summer sun
And lighter than a breeze.
She cut it when we married,
Though it was at my behest:
The hair would have been lovely
If it weren’t on her chest.
Filed under Poems
Do It Already!
Close my eyes and listen
To the gently falling rain,
Wishing all the while
That you, dear reader, will refrain
From noticing the fact
That I made a mistake,
For this poem is a command.
What a difference “I” can make…
Filed under Poems
Yes, My Carpet Is Beige. How Are You?
I took some tests last weekend
And got results today.
The good news: I’m not pregnant
And my blood pressure’s okay,
My cholesterol is healthy
And my IQ’s 121.
The bad news: My personality test
Indicates that I have none.
Filed under Poems
You Can’t Spell “Guilt” Without U and I
Well, you tried to con a dollar
From my hard day’s work
But I’ve never worked a day in my life.
Then you tried to sell me something
In an unmarked bag.
I said “Maybe, but I gotta ask my wife.”
Then you pulled a Smith and Wesson
From your paint-on jeans
And you told me “Pull your wallet out slow.”
Nine months later you’ve a stroller,
I’m approved for my parole-a.
When it’s love, sometimes you just know.
Filed under Poems
Constellations
On evenings free of clouds and light
One can look upon the sky,
On twinkling stars and silent night
And think of tales the stars belie.
You’ll see Orion, proud and strong,
Bears and dippers, great and small,
A Zodiac twelve members strong,
And not a truth among them all!
Of what are constellations made?
Nature’s lines drawn by the dead,
Sparkling points on Heaven sprayed
And named by man for men misled.
Wives read horoscopes ’til late
As Cygnus and Aquila gleam.
The constellations of their fate
Are closer than they first may seem.
The stars above are heroes past
To marvel at by absent sun,
But we are heroes born at last,
You and I and everyone.
Look not to the stars for love
Or what the future mayhap hide.
Dreams come not from up above
But from the stars we are inside.
Filed under Poems
An Eggxcellent… Oh, Nevermind…
I meant to write a verse that’s funny
Involving Jesus and a bunny.
Alas, the laughter all was cheap
And so I left without a peep.
Filed under Poems
Suffice To Say, He Did Not Have The Last Word
There once was a poet named
Whose brilliance was greater than.
By leaving off the last
He got around the whole
And never again worried about.
Filed under Poems
When You Could Be Productive, But…
Sometimes I wonder
What life would be like
If chickens went bowling
And cows went on strike,
If dolphins loved hockey
And dogs weren’t adored
And monkeys were funky
And, yes, I’m that bored.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 