Somewhere there’s a purple bear
Who cries itself to sleep.
The cubs call him “The purple one
“Who, when he’s sleepy, weeps.”
I want to find that purple bear
Upon one lonely night
And give him stuffed Teddy Roosevelt
And say, “It’ll be alright.”
The purple bear will thank me
As he dries his tears away
And hug the small plush human
And know that he’s okay.
I want to pat that little bear
Upon his purple head,
But I’m also scared he’ll maul me
So I’m hunting him instead.
Filed under Poems
I was a pirate cap’n
A’sail upon the sea
And I’d laugh at the other ships
When they would try to flee.
I’d sail up behind ’em
And though they might protest
I’d grab ’em by the booty
At my cap’nly behest!
——————————————————–
When your captain is a man
“Land ho!” is often said.
When your captain isn’t
They shout “Land, hoe!” Instead.
——————————————————–
When I became a captain
I quit being a virgin
Thanks to an encounter
That I had with a sturgeon!
Filed under Poems
I have a stomach summit,
An abdominal alley,
A gut gulch, a paunch pouch,
A beneath-the-vest valley,
A digester dugout,
A taut torso trench,
But she said “Belly-Button”
So I dumped the wench.
Filed under Poems
He asked ten people if among them
One would disagree.
Nine said yes, that’s how it works.
The tenth person was me.
Filed under Poems
We are blacks. You are whites.
You deny our human rights.
You can shoot us while we snack.
You can shoot us in the back.
You can shoot us while we sleep
Or brand us as unusual sheep.
We have never met our dad,
But blackness isn’t only bad.
We are physically much bigger
And can call each other the first part of Ryan Higa’s Youtube channel.
Being black is sometimes great.
We get to attend Penn State
Instead of living in a dump,
All because white guys can’t jump.
If you know of current trends
We will steal your girlfriends;
You are white and we are black
And they ain’t ever coming back!
Filed under Poems
‘Twas 1:00 O’clock, so said my watch
But be it day or night
I could not tell, for in the sky
Was a full moon so bright.
Beside it in the starlight
A single star shone brighter;
It was the sun, and so begun
Our first three-month all-nighter.
In the East the sun did rise,
And in the West it sets,
But in the North it matters not
How late the daytime gets.
‘Twas in the Summer moonlight
That I saw the Summer sun,
And so it is both day and night
Until the Summer’s done.
Filed under Poems
There was a guy with short, dark hair
Who lived in the middle of nowhere.
Then a bad guy came to town
And some anarchy went down.
The guy was told about the event
So he spurred his horse and off he went
To meet the jerk who scared the meek
And also the one girl who gets to speak.
A lot of folks will die, of course,
While riding nowhere on a horse.
There will be a fateful fight
Before guy rides off into the light.
Filed under Poems
I checked into a hotel room
That was almost six feet tall,
Weighed 180 pounds
And once was very small.
I used it for one happy day
To run around the world
Then checked out in the evening
As on a bed it curled.
I checked back in tomorrow
But found it was today
And the room I’d left behind me
Was mostly still okay.
I expect to keep this up
For quite a while yet
For, being an ambitious ghost,
It’s the best that I can get.
Filed under Poems
I almost paid 500 dollars
To a pair of thugs in leather collars
For a bag of powder from a vault
That turned out to be garlic salt.
But alas, I’d no such luck;
They didn’t a single buck.
Instead they made me walk away
With tickets to the WNBA.
Filed under Poems
They should clone Queen Elizabeth
14 billion times
So we can all have immortal bodyguards…
It’s true and it rhymes!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 