I was almost bankrupt
But rather than admit defeat
I missed a few car payments
And boom! I’m back on my feet!
Category Archives: Poems
People Say “Forever” In Different Ways
If you think your girl is nerdy
But you need to check the facts
Say “I’ll love you as long as a winRAR 30-day trial”
And see how she reacts.
Filed under Poems
Teenagers Circa 150 AD
When people looked for Spartacus
For why-ever the heck they did
And all the Roman peasants
Done got the real Spartacus hid
And all of them were saying
“I’m Spartacus!” When they weren’t
I hope some guy was like “I’m Dave!”
And then he got, like, spurn’t.
Filed under Poems
Wardrobe Malfunction
Yesterday I was responsible:
Got dressed, and went to work.
Just ’cause I mixed the order up
Doesn’t mean I’m a jerk…
Filed under Poems
Cloud: My Vision
One day I asked the clouds to dance
And one replied, “Okay.”
It gave a hand of soft white rain
And lifted me away.
We spun and twirled together
To the songs of wind and sun.
Our only rhythm: happiness,
Our only purpose: fun.
I danced next with a hurricane,
A cloud made of the sea.
Throughout the dance, it’s center part
Had eyes only for me.
I danced among the lightning bolts,
With stars and endless dark,
Then I threw up the mushrooms
That I found in Central Park.
Filed under Poems
All Shapes And Sizes
If you’re 4’11
You can bear Sauron’s ring.
If you’re 6’11
You’re like Karl Malone.
If you’re 7’11
You can sell slurpies.
If you’re 5’11
You’re forever alone.
Filed under Poems
How To Offend Everyone In Eight Lines Or Less
She drove like she was asian.
She swam like she was black.
She jumped like a caucasian
With a dolphin on her back.
She wasn’t good at anything;
If she tried, she’d fail
But she was still ten-times better
Than every straight white male.
Filed under Poems
Math Anxiety
My teacher asks “What’s the square root of nine?”
I say the answer is three.
The girlfriend asks “What’s the value of X”
And I say “She means nothing to me!”
Filed under Poems
Weird Pets and the Poet That Jokes About Them
I found a pet I like to rub.
I brought it home and named it club.
Now folks aren’t sure how they should feel
After they learn my pet’s a seal.
——————————————————–
I wanted to buy a unique pet
Like a hedgehog from the store.
I asked how to tell the girls from the boys.
“The boys have one spike more.”
——————————————————–
The hunter said, “Look! A lesbian bear!
“Grab a rifle and go get her!”
I asked how to tell it’s a lesbian bear;
“They’ll eat snakes, but they like beavers better.”
Filed under Poems
The Rest Is How To Playjurize Wikipedia Without Getting Cot
Ten persent of school
Is lurning how to get along.
Forty-two persent
Is lurning that you spelled stuph rong.
Maybe five persent
Is how to fill your plate and cup.
The other eighty-five persent
Is how to add things up.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 