We’ve waited for a while now
To celebrate some waiting,
Expectantly expecting
To be anticipating.
Today at last the wait can end
And world peace is beginning
Until the 26th occurs
And we resume our sinning.
Category Archives: Poems
*Rapidly Buys Stock In Scarf Company*
If you throw plastic in the trash
I hope you realize
That you might be the reason
A baby turtle dies
And if, because of plastic,
Sea turtles end up dead
They can’t make turtleneck sweaters anymore
And you’ll have to wear scarves instead.
Filed under Poems
Capitalism In Action
People are saying college is expensive,
That $100,000 in debt isn’t fine.
I worked hard to get a scholarship
And only owe $99,999.99
Filed under Poems
At The Drei Goods Store
I met an old man born in 1919,
A genuine centenarian.
He was burdened with many a bag
So I helped the man with some carryin’.
His bags were filled with red cabbage
And I asked “Are you vegetarian?”
Turns out he fought in World War II;
He was a veteran aryan.
Filed under Poems
Disagreement For Dummies
John said the best year
To be a sardine
Was 1783.
I think the best year
Was 1790
And thus John is dead to me.
Filed under Poems
The Real Reason For Bread And Water In Prison
Want to give stopping crime a try?
We’ve got police and the FBI,
The CIA and TSA
And yet crime just won’t go away!
I have a method that may just work:
If somebody is being a jerk
Feed them lots of food, ’cause who
Commits a crime when they have to poo?
When perpetrators are constipated
You’ll find most violence had abated;
If you don’t want to end up dead
Feed potential felons bread.
Filed under Poems
Hey Batter Batter…
I’m my softball league’s head chef;
For optimal nutrition
I like to make a Bundt cake
To get guys in a scoring position.
Filed under Poems
My Dating Algorithm (1-10)
To find a man’s value
Divide his income by 10,000
Then subtract two to compensate.
To find a woman’s value
Call her a ten
(If she has a penis, call her an eight).
Filed under Poems
Next Week: Child Puts “Mean People Suck” Bumper Sticker On Car, Wins Nobel Prize For Literature
It’s nice to know
In this day and age
Time Magazine will
Give you the front page
And give you the title
“Person of the year”
For being perturbed
Where rich people can hear.
Filed under Poems
Watch Yourself
Please keep the word mum
‘Cause I did something dumb:
I ordered a clock.
Now at my door, a knock!
I fear my time has come…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 