I put my burger in the microwave,
Turned it on, and walked away.
I heard a helicopter start
And bullets start to spray,
The Marines are hitting Normandy.
This is cooking uncontrolled!
I open the door to fetch my food
And find it nice and cold.
Category Archives: Poems
When You Irradiate Your Meal For Five Minutes But Stop The Microwave With One Second Left So You Don’t Have To Hear The Beep
Filed under Poems
Pet Peeves
Sometimes when I get frustrated
I throw my mouse at the floor.
After I get frustrated
I can’t go to that vet anymore.
Filed under Poems
…They’re Batman…
I read an article today
That said a woman’s voice
Will rise in pitch if she likes you…
It’s subconscious, not a choice.
I called my female contacts
To test the theory via phones.
I enjoyed a pleasant afternoon
With the voice of James Earl Jones.
Filed under Poems
Diversity
Some folks are really heavy
And some are very thin.
Some have different genitals
And different colored skin.
There’s lots of types of accents,
Many different colored hairs
But everybody’s equal
When you push ’em down the stairs.
Filed under Poems
Evening Meditation
As the light fades to yellow
And to bright orangey-red
I summon my thoughts
About life to my head.
As red turns to green
Like autumn reversed
I think of life’s moments,
The best and the worst.
As green turns to amber
The cycle repeats
And I cherish life’s beauty,
The adventures and treats.
Then the light’s green again
And in my pensive mood
I ask “what’s with the honking
“And why are drivers so rude?”
Filed under Poems
A 49-Week Relationship
One day a friend said he’d set me up
With “A girl, 18/19.”
That turned into the weirdest date
On which I’ve ever been,
‘Cause when you see 18/19
You read the “/” as “or.”
He meant it as a fraction.
I don’t do blind dates anymore.
Filed under Poems
I’m a Bad Boyfriend And A Bad Global Citizen
I always treat a girl to Ethiopian food
Whenever we have a first date.
There’s nothing quite like the look on her face
When they bring her an empty plate.
Filed under Poems
Egg On His Face
Judas betrayed Jesus,
Really gave him the shaft.
Judas said “YOLO,”
And Jesus just laughed.
Filed under Poems
Literal Dream Girl
She’s happier than Finland
And classier than France.
She wears a pair of ballet flats
But doesn’t like to dance.
She’s prettier than actresses
But doesn’t care for fame
And her love for me lasts longer
Than a perfect Tetris game.
She cooks better than Emeril
And sings better than Cher.
She thinks the latest Star Trek film
Was “adequate to fair.”
She’s quieter than silence
And daintier than mist.
The only problem I can see
Is she does not exist.
Filed under Poems
They Just Did It
Nike pays their workers
About sixteen dollars a week for
Them to work 80 hours
Making a pricey brand-name sneaker
(That’s twenty cents an hour
For those with a math obsession)
But hey! They’re paying Kaepernick
To speak out against oppression.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 