Today I cut onions
And everyone cried.
Onions was a good dog;
It’s a shame that he died.
Category Archives: Poems
Other Viable Weapons Include Chihuahuas, Telemarketers, And The Music Of Taylor Swift
Are you unhappy?
Perhaps you’re depressed?
You want to shoot up a school
Because you’re so stressed?
Don’t grab your assault gun
And make hunters sad.
Instead, grab some kale
And do something bad.
If a few more folk heroes
With defective prozac
Go out with a bang
Via kale attack
The liberals will ban it
And the world will shout “yay!”
To leave your legacy
That’s the very best way.
Filed under Poems
Prudent Advice Too Often Overlooked By Those Committing Revisionist-History Infanticide
If you went back in time
To kill Hitler as a baby
You probably should consider
That someone else just maybe
Might go back in time again
This time to kill you
‘Cause you’re a time-traveling baby killer
As far as they knew.
That’s why if you ever
Change history somehow
By traveling to the past
To influence the now
I think it’s important
To leave a detailed letter
Explaining how killing babies
Can make the world better.
Filed under Poems
The Circle Of Life
Beneath the cloudless golden sky of Summer,
Atop the countless rainbow leaves of Fall,
In the stinging hail and drifting snow of Winter,
I lived happily ever after after all.
And in the rains and flowery winds of Springtime
When life, besieged by Winter comes to mend,
I find a big ass spider in my shower
And the fairy tale (and spider’s life) must end.
Filed under Poems
British Humour
Some folks saw jousting
On the english channel,
But those folks weren’t me:
What I saw was guys
Playing poker knight
On the BB sea.
Filed under Poems
Unsung
Amid a thousand oceans
Each a million miles wide,
In a world of fire and darkness
Wherein countless billions died,
A world of steel and angels
Where dragons fill the sky
There lives alone amidst the trees
One totally normal guy.
And as the forests rise into
The universe above
And about him rages endless war,
Between hatred and love,
Surrounded by heroic few
Defenders of what’s right
He lies back on his sofa bed
And tells himself “Good night.”
Saints are slain and martyrs made,
The underworld calls those
Whom destiny has newly bade
To be those whom death chose
Mountains crumble feebly
And utopias collide
And that single lonely sofa man
Just mumbles, “Hey, I tried.”
And though he never earned a place
Among the Gods or Lords of Deep
He ate a balanced diet
And always got a good night’s sleep.
Filed under Poems
Never Fear: I’m Committed To Discovering The Answer Through Careful Hands-On Research
I don’t know if it’s tiny skirts,
Amble chests, or giant eyes
Wherein the popular appeal
Of the anime female lies.
What part of perfect, flowing hair
And cheerful attitudes
Holds such mysterious appeal
To socially awkward dudes?
Filed under Poems
A Song For All Seasons
The hills are alive
With the sound of music
And by “Sound of Music”
We mean wildfires
And by “The hills”
We mean California.
Filed under Poems
Imagery (You’re Welcome)
I have trouble sleeping now
Because I had a dream
Involving my first cousin
And a gallon of whipped cream.
If you don’t think that’s creepy
Here’s the cherry on the top:
I live in Mississippi
So my cousin is my pop.
Filed under Poems
The American Dream
Imagine a world
With doubt, fear, or hate,
Where all have a warm bed
And a full dinner plate,
Where soft is the water
And fertile the soil.
Now let’s bomb that place
And steal their oil!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 