So there’s a country named for plates
And one for Thanksgiving birds.
One country claims it is real
But misspelled the last two thirds.
One is hot peppers. One’s just a name.
One is a Southeastern state.
And we’re just three stupid letters
With no puns attached. This I hate.
Filed under Poems
The church tells us
That prejudice is bad.
On the other hand, pre-Judas
Were the best years Jesus had.
Cannibals be like:
“Poultry farmers over there!“
“Chicken tenders! Yum!”
Filed under Poems
Being an adult
Means you schedule things like sex
And video games
Have you ever had a character
In your favorite game or show
That you either would like to be
Or wish would forever go?
Well now you can fulfill your dream
Thanks to Fortnite! It’s a game
Where every IP of all time
Gets shot in the face the same.
Sign on and join a universe
Of people 13+
Who unironically use terms
Like “Sigma”, “Bussin”, and “Sus”.
There you can play any game
While dressed as anyone
And after your kid tells you how to play
You might even have fun!
Only one can win each round
Out of a hundred players
But if you’re bad, don’t be so sad!
Play again and avoid your slayers.
Claim victory or somehow blow it
Until you see someone
Dressed as a certain terrible poet
Chasing you with a gun.
Filed under Poems
I want to be a comic sidekick
Who is dorky but also inspiring.
I’ve no fears, I jerk tears, and bring laughter
But nobody seems to be hiring.
At least I can bring home some bacon
And dress in ridiculous ways
Right here at Volcanic Hideaways Inc.
Until evil brings about better days.
Filed under Poems
It’s bedtime again.
Tomorrow I go to work.
Life is Groundhog Day.
Filed under Poems
Whoever decided “Present”
Should mean both “gift” and “now”
As well as “here” like “I am here”
And “here” like “take this cow”
Should be presented with a present
If they’re present in the present
‘Cause their presence in the past
Makes the present present as unpleasant.
They said I couldn’t write a poem
Without using the letter “E”.
They were right, and yet somehow
I’m happy as can be.
On occasion you may find
Satisfaction without complying.
Also, I don’t know how to cut out
My first stanza… not lying!
Filed under Poems
I called her pulchritudinous.
She called me eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious.
Both of those are compliments
In case I made you curious.
The Daily Travesty 