When arguing online you do
Your foe may fail to convince you,
May reject logic, spew rhetoric,
And end up looking pathetic,
May cite false studies, make up a fact,
Surrender any façade of tact,
May display no virtue and every sin,
But alas, my friend, you still won’t win.
Filed under Poems
Like an inexpensive cut of meat
Stewed for many a lukewarm hour
You’re welcome when sold on my street
But far less welcome in my shower.
Filed under Poems
Don’t want to marry just some girl.
I’m looking for a wholesome girl.
A girl whose lack of cleavage
Warms my big platonic heart.
A girl who thinks that working’s
Not synonymous with twerking.
A girl who skips the bar
Because she wants to look at art.
I want to find a happy lass
Who doesn’t want to shake her ass,
Who goes to church on Sundays
And buys ice cream from a truck,
Who’s pure and chaste and sweet
And, instead of “lit,” says “neat.”
But I also want Beyonce,
So I’m feeling kinda stuck…
Filed under Poems
I’m feeling kinda down
Like a king without a crown.
I’m cowardly, as yellow as they come.
I’ve read like half a million books
By a bunch of chefs and cooks
But about sustainability I’m still dumb.
I thought maybe I’d fit in
If I changed my skin
But this spray-tan makes me look like that guy on the news.
You put it all together
In the rain or sunny weather…
I’ve got the well-read, not-green, yellow, orangey-white guy blues.
Filed under Poems
Nevertheless
Always the more
Seldom the -ible
But often the horr-
Too much conniption
For such a poor fit
This new lack of him/her
Well, I’m tired of it
Filed under Poems
Two children sit and watch a thing
That’s orange and round and fun.
One says “it’s warm and so it must
“Be a piece of fallen sun.”
One says “I can slam dunk it
“So it’s a basketball.”
Another says “it’s a tangerine!
“Do you know nothing at all?”
And I, with silent others, watch
Them call a pizza many names.
Some kids voted between them
When the appropriate moment came,
Yet I, when shown a pizza
And was asked “robot or duck?”
Didn’t vote for either answer
Because dishonest answers suck.
As the other children compromised
And said “Fine! It’s a goat!”
I ate and shared the pizza
With the others who didn’t vote.
I love you
Like I love early mornings,
Like the smell of microwaveable cuisine,
Like a secondhand q-tip,
Like stainable steel,
Like the dry-mouth aftertaste of human spleen.
I love you
Like Jew’s love the early 40’s,
Like nudists love Alaskan Winter nights.
I love you like a river
Loves the absence of nearby bathrooms,
Like Congress loves supporting individual rights.
I love you
Like Chris Brown loves Rihanna,
Like hot girls like short, polite, low-income men.
I love you
Like babies like international flights,
Like when your cellmate winks and says “hey babe, I’m Ben.”
Filed under Poems
Everything in my life sucks
So I spend a lot of time
With my vacuum cleaner
Because I love irony
And clean floors.
Filed under Poems
May I compare thee
To a big slab of meat:
Not too tricky to buy,
Satisfying to eat.
…Apparently not!
The caged hamster
Lays no eggs.
Imprisoned gators
Give no milk.
Detained cobras
Have no legs.
Subjugated silkworms
Yield no silk,
Yet free-range chickens
Lay eggs daily.
Fence-free cows
Give endless cream.
Freedom lets you
Go through life gaily,
So free the hamsters and reptiles
And we’ll live the dream!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 