As I lay in the dust,
My body broken,
My blood pooling into a lake
I remembered saying
“At least I’m not an orphan.”
Sorry Batman, my mistake.
Category Archives: Poems
Don’t Talk To Strangers, AKA Board Games
I walked up to a stranger
And promptly said “I’m bored.”
Turns out he’s a genie.
“I’ve heard your wish, my lord.”
Alas, the genie’s spelling
Was unfortunately poor,
And that’s the tale of how
I became a two-by-four.
Filed under Poems
Yay Democracy!
Trying to fix politics
By working from within
Is like using a trowel
To fill the Grand Canyon in.
Alas, fixing politics
By showing up to vote
Is like taking that same trowel
To South Dakota via boat.
Filed under Poems
Blind Dates
When she looks at me
Children scream and flowers die.
Probably no big deal…
Filed under Poems
Now That’s Friendship!
If you like to stay at home
Though you’ve got nothing to do,
You’re thrilled when an appointment
Gets canceled out of the blue,
If reading makes you happy
And parties make you pout
Then you and I should be best friends
And never once hang out.
Thanks for Your Support (and Exclusive Offers)
I dedicate today’s poem
To all my followers and fans.
All of you are really very splendid.
You’re the remarkable few
On the internet who
Can read this stuff without being offended.
Without the lot of you
I’d have to read my own haiku
Which is something I’d probably despise,
And thanks to a special pair
Who comment here and there
My penis is sixteen times its original size.
Filed under Poems
A Trainer’s Life
I was taking a walk
Down route 123
When I saw you
Turn and look towards me.
As our eyes met
It was just like they said,
Like an exclamation point
Flashed over your head
And then you walked toward me
And called through the air:
“I like shorts! They’re comfy
And easy to wear.”
And then you attacked me
With your slave-monster pets.
I took all your money
And I have no regrets
Because I’m the greatest
Like no figure in lore.
That’s why you don’t
Make eye contact anymore.
Filed under Poems
Driving Home
Today I returned home from my vacation in Portland, OR. The following are a few poems I thought of over the six hour drive when I should have been avoiding pedestrians:
Feel free to tailgate my ass,
But the more you press, the less I gas.
The sooner I’m back
In Oregon
The sooner your drivers
I can deplore again.
Filed under Poems
Today I returned home from my vacation in Portland, OR. The following are a few poems I thought of over the six hour drive when I should have been avoiding pedestrians:
Feel free to tailgate my ass,
But the more you press, the less I gas.
The sooner I’m back
In Oregon
The sooner your drivers
I can deplore again.
Filed under Poems
Other People’s Cats
Life is like this little guy,
At first cute and fluffy and shy.
It’ll sit on your lap,
Happy purring, then SNAP!
And that’s why I wear this glass eye…
“Mimi” – AKA “Snake”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 