In the near future, diversity quotas
Will become even harder to fill
So job interviewers will have to start meetings
With, “Hey, so I see you are Bill
“But if you’ll let us call you Simone during work
“And you’ll say that your pronouns are ‘they’
“Then we’re happy to call you our newest employee.
“Otherwise, have a very nice day.”
Filed under Poems
Today I went back to work
And I had an amazing day
That was absolutely fantastic
In every single way!
I got paid well and my colleagues
Are fine, upstanding folks
And I’m sharing this with you
So I don’t get fired for writing jokes.
Filed under Poems
My wife is ultradorable
And superfect as well.
I think she’s megawesome
And my only fear is she’ll
Come home with a horse one day
That she was drunkenjoying
Because, although she’s gigamazing,
She can be equestriannoying.
Filed under Poems
This year was wild and crazy
And I was indulgent and lazy.
This year I’ll endeavor
To sleep more than ever
And get rich like Martin Scorsese.
Filed under Poems
There are two days of the year
Where fireworks and beer
Are acceptable for neighbors to abuse
And yet some neighbors (ours)
Must be from Venus instead of Mars
Because tonight’s the night they picked to light the fuse…
Filed under Poems
Two days left to go
Of this wild and crazy year…
Peaceful at the gym
Filed under Poems
I think we need a theme park
Called IQ Test Land
Where every ride is deadly
(Intentionally planned)
And a prize will be given
To the one lucky guest
Who survives on the rides
Longer than all the rest.
It’s not a solution
Without any flaws
And may be against
International laws
But in the week that its open
The world will be cleared
Of many a person
Who think seat belts are weird.
Filed under Poems
There once were some people with torches
Who sat upon their front porches
And cried “People with pitchforks
“Are evil and rich dorks”
While the real evil people ate bortsch.
Filed under Poems
One person’s trash is another man’s treasure
Which is why every single raccoon
Is living the life with their hot raccoon wife
As a billionaire garbage tycoon.
Filed under Poems
When people say that Santa Claus
Is, and has always been, white
I agree with them in principle
But ask if it’s alright
That going down a million chimneys
Every Christmas night
Would make him look like blackface
‘Cause I like to start a fight.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 