In the Bible, there’s a gap
Of 18 years or thereabout
Between when Jesus was a boy
And when he’d grown all out.
I think he used those missing years
As an omnipotent adolescent
To turn the oceans into wine
Both still and effervescent.
Category Archives: Poems
It’s All The Rage In The Middle East These Days!
I saw a survey at a shop
That made me pause, then fully stop.
It asked “What flavor would you want
“To drink here in our restaurant?”
I think they wanted “Pumpkin spice”,
“Caramel pecan”, or something nice.
I wrote “The blood of politicians
“Collected via millions of small incisions.”
Filed under Poems
Gotta Bring Back The Traditions!
A month has past since wedded bliss
And yet again it comes to this:
It’s long past my correct bed time
So I give you a four line poem and a rhyme.
Filed under Poems
Why I Love Asian Food
I was warming a bowl of alphabet soup
‘Cause I’m a grown up, and I can
When I looked down and wondered aloud
“Why’s there so much broth in my pan?”
Now I could add noodles and call it a day
But I felt, toward that fix, an aversion,
So instead I went shopping for a new can
And this time got the Japanese version.
Filed under Poems
When It’s November 1st And You’re On Your Lunch Break But Have To Keep A Promise To Your 16-Year-Old Self
Hello Dear Reader!
I am back!
A ring I have
But ideas I lack.
My skills have not grown
But my mind is rested
And in this endeavor
I am reinvested.
I hope my poems
Inspire laughter
And bring you joy
During and after
Your car breaks down
Or your pet dies
Or you pay too much
For disappointing fries.
With all that said
Adjourn I must
For I need more sheets
That say “In God We Trust”.
A Moment Of Silence (For A Month)
I’m getting married in two weeks
And there’s a lot to do
So I’m taking a mental break
Until I say “I do.”
And when November comes around
My poems will come back.
For now though, may your dreams be light
And your teeth be free of plaque.
Are You A Bard? ‘Cause You Just Rolled A 20 For Seduction
I love you like a gelatinous cube.
I want to consume you completely
And make your all tingly with plenty of lube
When we meet in my dungeon discretely.
I’ve plenty of jewelry to give you
If you’ll just reach inside me and take it
And after my acid has burned you
We’ll forever be one (and be naked).
Yes, I move slowly, I’m squishy,
And I’ll even confess I’m a square
But although I am not the most dishy
I’ll listen to you ‘cause I care.
I’m made of a most caustic acid
And I’m more than a trifle transparent
But I’m seldom, if ever, found flaccid
And I just want to make it apparent
That I love you like a gelatinous cube and
My heart only has one endeavor:
I want to take you by your cute hand
And be with you now and forever.
Filed under Poems
Why Brand Name Matters
You’ve heard of fasting,
Juice cleanses, and diets.
I decided I’m growing
And thus I should try it…
But which one to pick?
Well, I like foreign dining
So I’ll eat naan and tacos
And avoid pain and whining.
We’ll have Greek food for lunch
And, for dinner, Korean.
Isn’t my ethnic cleanse plan
So delightfully freeing?
Filed under Poems
An Odd Relationship
Wicked kitty cat…
You bite me and make me bleed!
Wanna snuggle now?
Filed under Poems
When Your Wife Meets The Minotaur And Has To Give Birth In An Echoey Cave
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb
Little lamb…
Mary had a little lamb
And the obstetrician fainted
Fainted
Fainted…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 