Iâm grateful for puppies
That eat the whipped cream
That we spray on their paws while they sleep,
Iâm grateful for holidays
That involve candy
But nowhere to be seen is a Peep,
Iâm grateful for readers
Who tolerate poems
That are four lines or less when Iâm tired,
And Iâm grateful for days
With a built-in theme
Because I can pretend Iâm inspired.
Filed under Poems
If you never rode a bicycle
From the top of dead-manâs hill
And hit 100 miles an hour
And then took a wicked spill
And sprayed your blood all everywhere
But didnât cry one bit
Then son, you are a wussy.
If you did, youâre full of it!
Filed under Poems
There once was a fellow named Baggins
Who tired of old Gandalfâs nagginâs.
He stole a gold ring
From a fire snake thing
And inspired the game âDungeons and Dragonsâ.
Filed under Poems
People are always joking
About how it weirds them out
That someone grabbed a cowâs udder
And drank what came out.
But Iâm wondering who
Ground some wheat with a stone
Mixed it with milk and bacteria
Then left it alone
Before heating it up
To 300 degrees
And then frying it up
With some butter and cheeseâŚ
Filed under Poems
âTwas the night before Monday
And all through the nation
There were people in need
Of another vacation.
Theyâd worked all their lives
Forty hours or more,
Fighting tooth and nail
For a new higher score.
The cost of the score
Was not steep if you count
Sanity and free time
As a meager amount,
And so they awoke
To commute and check out
And that, my dear kids,
Is what workâs all about.
Filed under Poems
Tonight we watched a movie
About a very macho horse.
Was it a beautiful film? Yes!
And an excuse for a short poem? Of course!
Filed under Poems
Today I woke at 5:00 AM
To play a video game
Where I got to go to school
With a crocodile made of flame
And ride a living, dragon motorcycle
Far across the land,
Throwing balls at animals
So theyâre at my command.
I took a day off work for this,
Ignored my social life,
Forgot to take a shower with
The girl whoâll be my wife.
All this is the triumph
Of a fully grown adult
Whose parents never let him buy
A pumpkin catapult.
Filed under Poems
They make elbow pasta,
Bow ties and angel hair,
But I think they should make a noodle
For guys who have a pair:
A noodle like the balls that hang
Behind your pickup truckâŚ
(It was at this point my girlfriend said
Iâm already in luck).
Filed under Poems
They have hot dogs; they have buns.
They have lunch meat; they have pancakes.
The equivalence I want to know:
What sort of meat a pair with waffles makes.
Filed under Poems
I went to a gathering of people
Who like to drink and drive,
Pull quickly into trafficâŚ
On recklessness they thrive.
Theyâre the reason we have accidents
And I almost forgot to mention
That there were lots of nerds there.
It was a start wreck convention!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 