We’ve marketed bottles water
And, in some places, fresh air.
I think next we should bottle sleep
(If the marketing people care).
Just twist the child-proof yellow cap
And chug an hour of rest.
Sure, we have caffeine for that
But caffeine’s not the best.
Instead, just but some shuteye
Or even forty winks
And feel refreshed much quicker
And save your bed for kinks.
I’m not sure how you’d do it
But I’m quite sure that we should.
But now I’ll sleep for free again
And pray for morning wood.
Filed under Poems
When your heart beats really fast
That’s tachycardia
(Or so the doctors would have you believe).
But if your heart beats quickly
And you’re upper-middle class
It’s classycardia. (Ok, I’ll leave)
Filed under Poems
When robbers hold their guns out
And bellow, “Stick ‘em up”
The whole ordeal is really rather crass.
But it gets even worse
When they try to rob the livestock
‘Cause then the robbers “Stick ‘em up” your ass.
Filed under Poems
They say money can’t buy happiness
And maybe they are right
But money can buy spiders
That you can give people out of spite
And spiteful spider-giving
Puts a smile on my face
When I put those “money can’t buy” people
In their rightful place.
Filed under Poems
So there’s a country named for plates
And one for Thanksgiving birds.
One country claims it is real
But misspelled the last two thirds.
One is hot peppers. One’s just a name.
One is a Southeastern state.
And we’re just three stupid letters
With no puns attached. This I hate.
Filed under Poems
The church tells us
That prejudice is bad.
On the other hand, pre-Judas
Were the best years Jesus had.
Cannibals be like:
“Poultry farmers over there!“
“Chicken tenders! Yum!”
Filed under Poems
Being an adult
Means you schedule things like sex
And video games
The Daily Travesty 