We haven’t had apocalypse yet
In this world in which we thrive.
We don’t fear the undead
For we are the un-alive.
We don’t need no fallout
To keep us inside all day long
And everyone is perfect
Except the half of us who’re wrong.
Food is not a luxury
(Except for homeless folks)
And only half our news today
Is a cruel, ignoble hoax.
So I hope you feel safe
As you stroll a corpseless street
Because, while life is kinda hard,
You aren’t yet a zombie’s treat
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You’re unhygienic,
Ill-tempered and mean.
You’re perhaps the worst tipper
That I’ve ever seen.
Your humor is childish.
Your language is coarse.
You’ve the breath of a dog
And the face of a horse.
You burned down my house,
Ran away with my wife,
Destroyed everything happy
I had in my life.
You’ve made far more enemies
Than you’ve made amends
But I’m white and you’re black
So I’ll say that we’re friends.
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If you’re a divorce lawyer
Being polygamous is wise
‘Cause you’ll get a lot of business
And you’re already good with lies.
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If you have offspring
And they are not Satan’s toys
Then you don’t know your kids
(Or you children aren’t boys).
If the latter is true
Well, it gets better dude!
If your children are girls…
I’m sorry, you’re screwed.
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A minute with me
Is an hour in Heaven,
But no woman will know
‘Cause I’m five-foot-eleven.
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“Let he who is without fault
Cast the first stone.”
-Ye Olde Baseball for Beginners
“Just because my path is different
“Doesn’t mean I’m lost.”
-Traditional Male Excuse
“Even though I walk
“Through the darkest valley
“I will fear no evil
“For you are with me.”
-Man With Concealed Handgun License
“Faith can move mountains.”
-Faith’s Lazy Little Brother
“There’s something about a woman
“With a loud mind
“Who sits in silence, smiling
“Knowing she can crush you
“With the truth.”
-Some hoe, probably
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He stood on the granite cliff
Screaming hoarsely
Over the roaring black ocean.
From one of the shores beyond
An echo returned to him:
“Citygal17498 has blocked you.”
But mostly there was silence.
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All-purpose is white.
Whole wheat is gray.
I misspelled “flower”
But kept writing anyway.
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If I got a degree in nursin’
And saw a patient starting to worsen
I’d say “Hey man, you’re dead
“And Rosebud is a sled
“And you and Tyler are the same person.”
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If in the glade that no one hears
There falls a silent tree
One asks oneself: Would a hipster
Try to buy the tree’s CD?
Given the same scenario
Of the silent fallen tree
How long would they call it racist
On MSNBC?
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The Daily Travesty 