If you’re in a creative slump
With no ideas at all
Recall the Christmas ornament guy
Who said, “How ‘bout a ball?”
A Party They’ll Talk About For Years
Lovely bowl of fuchsia punch
On a granite countertop
Beside a vibrant floral bunch
And someone’s shouting “stop”
As my purebred chocolate lab
Puts Olympians to shame
And crash! They’re calling me a cab
And saying I’m to blame…
Filed under Poems
Saturday
I’ve done nothing productive all day
And that won’t stop now, ok?
Please don’t make me do stuff.
“Not at all” is enough
And I’d love if you all went away.
Filed under Poems
Cement Prices Keep Going Up, After All
God gave you a tree
And He gave you a saw
And by cutting the tree
You’ve accomplished the law.
God gave you a pothole
And He gave you a car
And now there’s a climate protest…
You with me so far?
Filed under Poems
Revealed: Why There Are More Losers Than Winners
The time will come when you must choose
Whether in life to win or lose.
But what do winning and losing get us?
Losers get cake; Winners get lettuce.
Filed under Poems
Investment Analysis
There once was a CPA
Who managed my 401(K).
They said unto me
That a 403(B)
Would be better. Why? IDFK
Filed under Poems
Mrs. Snyder Was Right
I know I shouldn’t have walked alone
Through the parking garage at night,
Especially when it’s very dark
And I am very white.
Some hoodlums did assail me
And called “Hands in the air!”
But I did not not obey them
And instead without a care
Reached deep inside my jacket
Where I keep my alto recorder
And I played the G Major scale
To restore the law and order.
And so the hoodlums left me
And I drove home just fine.
That’s why you pay attention in school.
Now what’s the log (base ten) of nine?
Filed under Poems
Method Acting
As long as we’re recasting movies
Where male characters are now girls
I hope they can remake “Terminator”
As Hillary Clinton vs. the world.
Filed under Poems
“Best Picture”
If you make a very realistic movie
About a very unpleasant reality
You’ll make a very terrible piece of art
That will inevitably do well on IMDB.
Filed under Poems
Thank You Blink Cameras! (Not Sponsored, But Send Me Money Anyway)
It’s fun to be “Big Brother”
When you use your security cam
To watch your kitty on the couch
When you’re away visiting the fam.
It’s funny to spy on kitty
Even though kitty mostly sleeps.
I’ve realized my life is drama free…
And also perhaps we’re creeps?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 