She asked “You know what makes me smile?”
I said “Muscles in your face.”
She hasn’t smiled for a while
And says she Needs some space…”
Tag Archives: Bad
A Vegetarian In Texas
I asked the waitress for tofu.
I thought that she was cute
Until she brought me a dildo
And said “Here’s your meat substitute.”
Filed under Poems
Sharing Is Caring
If your roommates are loud
And you want them to hush
Just say “Hey roomie,
“Where’d you put our toothbrush?”
Filed under Poems
We are the .0000000000000000000000000000000000000…1 percent
“My feelings matter”
Screamed the important human
And a few quadrillion cubic lightyears
Of hyper-intelligent space blobs
Smiled and reminisced
On when they thought the same thing.
Two or three universes away
The process repeated.
Filed under Poems
Coming Soon To A Campus Near You
What if there were a fairy tale
In which a handsome knight
Went off to save a princess
On his steed of pearly white
But when he leaned to kiss her
And woke her from her sleep
She turned into a zombie
And ate the patriarchal creep?
Filed under Poems
In Other Words, Nothing Alike
Life is like a romantic comedy
Except there’s more than one fat person in the world
And nobody finds love in an airport.
Filed under Poems
Las Story Es Mucho True
If you’re in Puerto Rico
And don’t know how to speako
Know this: The inglés
Is not spoke in the place
And they’ll probably think you’re a freako.
Filed under Poems
Bye Bye Wings
A fly was buzzing around my head.
It drove me up the wall!
I took away its Red Bull
And now it’s just a crawl.
Filed under Poems
Thanks “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”
If you ever write a story
And don’t know what’s going on
Just say that there were aliens
And your plot holes will be gone!
Monopoly
You all begin by passing “go,”
But who will win we don’t yet know.
You buy land with childish glee
Wherever two dice should decree.
This play continues for a while
And all the players wear a smile
Until the property is bought.
Then the game changes a lot.
Instead of paying endless rent
It pays to be of criminal bent
And spend a couple turns in jail
Before you pay a $50 bail.
But at this point the odds are high
That you know who is the guy
Who’ll win the game when all is done.
At this point it’s no longer fun.
But do you stop when joy is gone?
No! No! No! You carry on!
When bankrupt are the car and shoe,
The thimble’s dead and so are you
So ends the game, and that is when
The winner says “Let’s play again!”
Then you and the losers, at your behest
Punch the winner in his community chest.
Through the pain he says “Tsk, tsk.
“Then how about a game of Risk?”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 