Tag Archives: Cynical

December 22, 2023 · 8:01 pm

Not Saying Santa Advocates Piracy, But…

Jingle bells on a reindeer’s chest

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

A long night ahead with not much rest

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

The elves made toys

For good girls and boys

But what the kids today enjoy’s

An iThingy

In 4k HD

With a USB

And a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

Nine deer flew but just six came back

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

Three collapsed ‘neath the Chinese sack

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

Chimneyless homes

With their bulletproof domes

Are wherever he roams

Gluten free cookie lasses

Left him soy milk glasses

Which make him pass gasses

So a ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

Fifteen elves still employed at best

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

Xi Jinping gone outsourced the rest

So its ho ho ho and a bottle of rum

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November 18, 2023 · 6:39 pm

Watching The News

I, for one, am grateful

That 24 hours a day

I can turn a TV on

And learn I’m not ok

‘Cause someone in another state

Is angry and insisted

That the government fix an issue

That I didn’t know existed.

I’m glad I can be angry

On demand, and also wary

Now that I know a deadly thing

Is affirmed as “very scary”.

I’m also glad these stations

Are translated totally free

To whatever political language

Is most offensive to me!

We’re lucky seven corporations

Tell us the woes of corporate greed

While insuring that we’re well-informed

About what brand-name crap we need.

Anyway, I’m done complaining!

Now excuse me as I go

To learn about the trans kids

Swimming here from Mexico.

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November 11, 2023 · 4:42 pm

Take That, Nukes!

One upside of weak, nerdy young people

Is that they’ll probably invent Mjolnir

But because they’re so weak, they can’t lift it

And thus we have nothing to fear.

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November 4, 2023 · 4:10 pm

It’s All The Rage In The Middle East These Days!

I saw a survey at a shop

That made me pause, then fully stop.

It asked “What flavor would you want

“To drink here in our restaurant?”

I think they wanted “Pumpkin spice”,

“Caramel pecan”, or something nice.

I wrote “The blood of politicians

“Collected via millions of small incisions.”

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September 11, 2023 · 5:34 pm

And Then We Got The Modern TSA…

‘Twas the night before National Report Medicare Fraud Day

And all of the drama

Happened in NYC

Largely due to Osama.

The planes were a flying

And the pilots were wild

And the towers that were twins

Became an only-child.

But alas, that new status

Was not long for this world

As another plane crashed

And tower two curled.

Then we heard men exclaim

As the tow’rs became soil:

“Yay American unity!

“Now let’s go steal some oil.”

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July 12, 2023 · 7:40 pm

Now They’ve Even Surrendered To Themselves…

There once was a city in France

That was known for its light and romance.

Then the mideast said “Holla”

And immigrated with Allah

And we know now who’s wearing the pants.

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July 7, 2023 · 6:48 am

My First Sponsor!

Dear readers, it gives me great Pride(tm) that my blog, a long-time proponent of mediocrity in all forms, has chosen to partner with America’s favorite soft drink:

PIDD!

PIDD! (or Performance Inhibiting Drug Drink) has been taking the world by storm (consensually, of course). Inspired by brands like Disney, Bud Light, and OceanGate, PIDD! is sinking its teeth into all the things that once made you happy like:

The NBA (Nubile Boys of America)

MMA (Male Maidens Association)

UPS (Un-Penissing Service)

UN (United Nations)

And many more!

PIDD! is the only soft drink that makes you softer in both body and mind. It helped Lia Thomas become the first man to win the NCAA women’s 500m freestyle, helped Caitlyn Jenner become Glamour Magazine’s first male Woman of the Year, and now it can help your children become anything we want them to be!

So just like Luke Skywalker, Indiana Jones, James Bond, and the other heroes of your childhood, crack open a can of PIDD! (or pour a lukewarm glass of inner-city tap water) and let’s toast a future where men don’t have to stay that way.

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July 4, 2023 · 8:08 pm

Is Giving Them The Finger Still Rude If They’re Missing One?

A bunch of years ago we said

“Hey King, screw your royal head”

And dumped a hunch of tea into

A bay to say “Bugger off to you.”

Now I think that united spirit

Should say to those who care to hear it

“You’re free to use 2:00 AM fireworks

“But if you do you’re also jerks.”

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June 29, 2023 · 8:08 pm

Peace Talks

Bumblebee, bumblebee, why do you fly

When life would be better

If you would just die?

Human, human, why do you hate

When you eat the plants

That we bees pollenate?

Bumblebee, bumblebee, sure you’re ok

In a creepy bumbley

Bug sort of way.

Human, human, we’re both Earth’s daughter

Wait, why do your hands

Hold aloft that fly swatter?

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June 26, 2023 · 7:27 pm

Have You Seen The New “Winnie The Pooh” Movie By DC?

There once was a bear with a shirt

Whose heart filled with blackness and hurt.

He had no friends or money

So he ate all the honey

And the end of the world did avert.

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