I read a headline today
About some medical supplements
Who killed a baker’s apprentice.
I couldn’t help but say “oh boy.”
What else can you say
When you read in the paper
A headline that says
“Pills bury dough boy.”
Tag Archives: Death
Mr. Lecter Helps Educate Recent Graduates
“Do what makes you happy”
Is what my first psychiatrist said,
So can you really blame me
When the shrink ended up all dead?
Filed under Poems
Lots Of Variety, At Least
I’ve got a great idea
For an online dating site
Wherein critical care patients
Can be Mister or Miss Right.
Those not long for this world
From Tennessee to Guam
Can find a short-term love
At ExpirationDate.com
Filed under Poems
Yes, And: Suicide Prevention
I said to my therapist
“I want to end it all,
To solve all of my problems
With a gun and/or a fall.”
My therapist nodded grimly,
Stared up at the ceiling fan,
And said “well, you’ve convinced me.
Thanks a million, man!”
In the end, I didn’t kill myself,
As nice as that would be
‘Cause when I die another problem
Will be waiting there for me.
Filed under Poems
Nature Is A Dick (Plus An Optimistic Death Message?)
I asked a skunk
“Are you a skunk?”
It didn’t answer me.
I asked a duck
To try my luck
But answer not did he.
I asked a bear
“Are you a bear?”
And at least I got an answer.
Sure, it killed me
In eight seconds.
On the bright side, hey! No cancer!
Filed under Poems
Just Because I Can’t Take It With Me Doesn’t Justify Your Shenanigans, Kevin!
If I were to die tomorrow
And my body just rotted away
And I lived as a ghost
With no body for a host
Even though I never got all old and gray
I would be irked. That’s certain.
But I think that as I crossed the bridge
From Earth to Hell or Heaven
I’d think of my roommate Kevin
And hope he wouldn’t steal my food out of the fridge.
Filed under Poems
This Snowman Had An Unusual Dream; You Won’t Believe His Request To Humanity!
I am an April snowman,
The last one of my kind.
My death is unavoidable
But honestly I don’t mind.
Death as I perceive it
Ain’t as bad as it might seem
Since to be a soggy carrot
Has, since childhood, been my dream.
Alas, I’m in Alaska
In the yukon, year-tound cold.
I’ve been around since Lincoln
Or so the story’s told.
My dreams seem unachievable
And thus I beg of you:
Please defund the EPA
And emit that CO2!
Filed under Poems
Dracula’s Social Life
Why does the slain dragon
No longer roar?
Why must we hear nothing
From the trophy boar?
Why does Mr. Presley
Play music no more?
Why must other dead things
Be such a snore?
Filed under Poems
A Boy Named Goose
My friends all shouted “goose”
As the spear flew towards my head.
I might be alive today
If they shouted “duck” instead.
Filed under Poems
Now Serving Number 1,347,362,897,363,076…
I think that when you die
You go up to the sky
And log in to the Heaven registry
Of those awaiting birth
Again onto the Earth.
It’s just another big bureaucracy.
You spend the days after your doom
In cloud-nine’s waiting room
With the patio salesman, Bill.
So if you have a heart attack
You’ll see why Christ has not come back,
And at this rate, he probably never will.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 