They’re sweet and round and yummy
And better when filled with meat.
I’ll grab a pair with both my hands,
Spread some mayo, smile, and eat.
Mix it with a pickle
(A wiener would do as well)
And you’ve got yourself an evening…
Yeah, her buns are sweet as hell!
Filed under Poems
If you want to impress a woman
Ask “Will you be my girlfrien?”
She’ll say no, because you forgot the “d”.
Then you grin at her
And say “You’ll get the ‘d’ later”
Then you can say “thank you” to me.
I heard a job ad this afternoon:
“Need a change in career?
“Get a class A CDL
“And drive a big rig here.”
The company that advertised
Was “Johnson’s Gas and Lubricant Shipping”
And I figured it was close enough
To my current job of stripping…
After all, I already know
How to handle giant hardware,
How to move lube on the night shift,
And stopping traffic isn’t rare.
I load cargo in the backdoor
And handle massive logs
And I’ve known my share of pigs
(As well as cows and dogs).
I’ve made a living dancing
But now I just can’t wait
To sit all day upon my butt
‘Cause I know my butt is great!
Filed under Poems
Some kids will say “Astronaut”.
Some kids will say “Surgeon.”
Some kids will say “Engineer”
Which means they misspelled “Virgin.”
Some kids will say “A Hero
“Dressed in armor and a cowl.”
But props to the kid who said
“I’d be your girlfriend’s towel.”
Filed under Poems
I found a pet I like to rub.
I brought it home and named it club.
Now folks aren’t sure how they should feel
After they learn my pet’s a seal.
——————————————————–
I wanted to buy a unique pet
Like a hedgehog from the store.
I asked how to tell the girls from the boys.
“The boys have one spike more.”
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The hunter said, “Look! A lesbian bear!
“Grab a rifle and go get her!”
I asked how to tell it’s a lesbian bear;
“They’ll eat snakes, but they like beavers better.”
Filed under Poems
“chay’ leghlaHbe’wI’ chaDo’maq SoH?”
tlhob HoD picard.
wo’rIv, jatlh “ghoS nude bIQ’a’ HeH’e’
“‘ej ‘e’ ‘oH let DaqaSmoHbej.”
——————————————————–
“How do you spot a blind man?”
Asked Captain Picard.
Worf said, “Go to a nude beach
“And you’ll see that it’s not hard.”
Filed under Poems
He showed us how to circumcise a redneck
In a way that none of us had done foresaw:
He found aforementioned redneck in his bedroom
Then kicked the redneck’s cousin in the jaw!
Filed under Poems
I asked a friendly prostitute
If she’d service a leper.
She looked at me a moment
And she said “yep, yep, yepper!”
We had a crazy evening.
Yes, it was quite a trip!
I asked “how can I thank you?”
She said “just leave the tip.”
Filed under Poems
Let me tell the tale
Of the dwarf defined as Doc.
He was a man with paultry poultry
(Which is to say a tiny cock).
He’d be off to work each morning
With a high-ho and a pick
And he’d strike at stones much harder
Than his diminutive dwarven dick.
A princess came to stay with him
Despite her inhibitions.
Three days later she ate poison
Rather than stay in such conditions.
His beard is limp. His head is bald.
His eyes are beige and lumpy.
Since I’ve run out of insults
I’ll end the poem here. Love, Grumpy.
Filed under Poems
You’ve heard of the musical “Hamilton”
But have you heard the talk
Of my upcoming X-rated sequel
All about John Handcock?
Filed under Poems
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