What if the dragons never died
But decided just to stay inside
And collect the unemployment gold
Until they’re all dried-up and old?
They’d love something to be working on
But the princess kidnapping jobs are gone
Thanks to the fall of monarchy
(The dragon version of ChatGPT?)
So instead the wyrms grow older still
With nothing inspiring a fiery kill.
Is that better than them being dead?
These are the thoughts that fill my head…
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Soon the dragons will come returning
And watch our nations burn and fall
And say, “My goodness, look at them go!
“Guess they didn’t need us after all.”
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Roses are red and violets are blue
And people say dragons aren’t real
But I think the dragons, between me and you,
Ran out of princesses to steal
And so turned to work outside their tradition
Like enrolling the maidens in college
Where they charge a fortune for the latest edition
Of textbooks for more useless knowledge.
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To all of you who laughed at me
When I said “Dragons are real”
I present you: California.
Now how do you feel?
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The dragon loomed above me
Drooling volcanic spittle.
He said to me “I’ll spare your life
“If you answer me this riddle.”
Then I saw the dragon smile,
Its eyes a golden sheen:
“What’s harder to fix? The government
“Or the McDonald’s ice cream machine?”
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Once upon a time ago
When dragons ruled the Earth
A magic chosen one was born
On the day that was his birth.
He grew up like a normal child
With perfect grades and crap
Until eternal evil
Fell conveniently in his lap.
He walked through several biomes
While some epic music played
And met the one named female character
And somehow did not get laid
And then, at the end of the runtime,
The villain said “I’ll never die”
Then sky-beams and a sword through his head
Proved his last words were a lie.
Then the hero faced the rising sun
To a song by a knock-off Enya
And the nerds all left the theatre saying
“Let’s watch that again, ya?”
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A fantasy author was getting tired
Of calling things dragons, and so he hired
A marketing guru and said “Hey, it’s lame
“That all of these dragons have the same name!”
So the marketing guru sat down and thought
That people didn’t use “Y” quite a lot,
So he proposed the namesWyvern and Wyrm
And both those became an acceptable term.
Alas, Mr. writer will probably live
Long enough for his stories to give
The inevitable climax, the ultimate sin:
A book where the monster is spelled as “Dragyn”.
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Today a friend was stalking me
Online (with my permission)
And came upon this blog o’ mine
(A most unwise decision)
And as we got to talking
She inspired me to write
A poem about dragons,
Thus my topic for tonight!
But what about a dragon
Would amuse a reader new?
Perhaps my thoughts on bacon
From a dragon’s point of view!
For if I were a dragon
And consumed my daily meat
I’d think a dragon with good taste
Would think bacon’s a treat…
But how’s a mighty villain
Who’s as hateful as he’s big
Going to get the finest strippings
Of the kingdom’s finest pig?
Now, I am not a dragon
(Through no fault of mine… I’m trying!)
And so thinking with a dragon’s mind’s
As likely as pigs flying,
And since there is no evidence
That dragons found a way
To eat sufficient bacon
To make problems go away
I came to the conclusion
That I think must ring true-ish…
Dragons don’t eat bacon,
Therefore dragons must be Jewish!
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Maybe, just maybe
Dragons aren’t here anymore
Because they breathed fire
But now the sky is full of air?
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We once had damsels in distress
And knights to ride to their aid.
Although the knights and damsels are gone
The distress somehow has stayed.
As the all-knowing poet
I have a solution of course:
We need more women who love dragons
And fewer men who own a horse.
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The Daily Travesty 