Born a nymph in the woods of Montana,
My life is lovely, brighter than a
Tag Archives: Humor
But Honey… We Have Needs
Sometimes we go shopping
Because we have needs
Like cardamom, five-spice,
And sunflower seeds,
A packet of seaweed
And kale-chips-ahoy!
Perhaps we might splurge
For a mint-in-box toy.
When we feel spendy
Perhaps we will pounce
On a bottle of wine
That we cannot pronounce
And then at the end
We’ll return home again
And eat yesterday’s ramen
Because we are men.
Filed under Poems
Perspective
My friend says it’s stressful
Trying to stay on track,
Keeping up with work and play
And texting everyone back…
And here I am, still in bed
At 2:35,
Unemployed, without friends,
Feeling happy to be alive!
Filed under Poems
It Could Always Be Worse…
My mom was a pterodactyl
And my dad was an asparagus;
This is not true at all,
But maybe your life now seems less a mess?
Filed under Poems
Do I *Detect* A Garment That Doesn’t Fit… That’s Unsuitable
Geico has a gecko,
Aflac has a duck,
But my insurance company
Has no such mascot luck,
So instead of selling policies
I’ll be a stock-market trader
With a well-dressed crocodile mascot
Called the Investi-Gator.
Filed under Poems
My 100% True Treatise On My American Patriotism
I was born in Colorado,
Learned my talkin’ in Kentucky,
Grew up in Northwest Washington
Which, although American, is Canucky.
Now a man who makes a living
Rhyming mediocre comedy
I lie in bed listening to the sounds
Of patriotic hymns from Ireland.
My heart’s in Limerick,
My mind’s in Dublin,
My eyes see Antrims and see Galways!
I am in a kilt
(Yes, I know that’s Scotland)
And I’ll praise green, white, and orange for always!
Then the youtube algorithm
Plays me “God Defend New Zealand”
And the Maori spirit rips the kilt away
And I walk with hobbits in the free land!
Misty mountains, patriotic,
Connect two hemispheres within me…
That’s until I hear the opening chords
Of the Russian anthem start to win me.
Now Haggis, Borscht, Poutine, and Kiwis
Are all chicken-fried in my spirit
And I only wish that the Star-Spangled Banner
Were a song that made me want to hear it.
Filed under Poems
Also… It’s 7:56
If this were a job
It might get me fired
But this poem’s crap
‘Cause it’s late and I’m tired.
Filed under Poems
Bird Flu
I found what I thought was a condor
That was terribly sick with the flu.
But my asian vet said, “That’s ill eagle”
And now I don’t know what to do…
Filed under Poems
Towers of Solitude Circa 2020 (Dragons Not Included)
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Who’s the fairest of them all?
Sorry princess, I can’t say…
Your credit card expired today.
Mirror, mirror of denial,
What about my winning smile?
Princess, although my heart leapt
That’s not a payment I accept.
Mirror, mirror I don’t know,
I’ve got a new email so…
fancychick@web.net
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The Debate Is Over
Childbirth is painful for women
And ball-kickage is painful for men
But after it’s done only one
Waits teo years, then says “Do it again!”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 