There’s nothing anyone can say
That won’t offend another.
For instance, if you say
That you live with your mother
Women call you loser,
Men will say you suck,
And orphans will be pissed
Because some guys get all the luck.
Tag Archives: Humor
The News Be Like…
It is a fact from an incited source
That 30 percent of collisions
Are the result of someone driving drunk;
In other words, poor decisions.
That means that 70 percent
Of sober drivers crash.
Driving without drinking
Is, according to statistic, rash.
That fact, if analyzed in depth
Means that driving sober will
Increase your chances by 133%
That, by driving, you will kill.
Filed under Poems
So The Nuclear Button Might Bring Them Back?
Maybe, just maybe
Dragons aren’t here anymore
Because they breathed fire
But now the sky is full of air?
Filed under Poems
Somebody Once Told Me…
I proudly draw a perfect circle
And then somebody screams…
“It’s a Venn Diagram of people born in the ’90’s
“And people who like to make memes!”
Filed under Poems
And He Was Like, “Bohemian Rhapsody Is So Long…”
Sometimes you park your car
Just when a song starts playing
And you sing along, now knowing
That your plans are worth delaying.
For some folks it’s the Beatles,
And for some the Rolling Stones.
For me it’s Wagner’s Ring Cycle
Which is why I’m a pile of bones.
Filed under Poems
It’s A Mystery!
I don’t get why some folks don’t like me.
I do all the things that they say
Like supporting the wenches and slant-eyes and injuns
And even my cousin who’s gay.
I don’t get why people think I am offensive
When all thems is stupid and fat.
I guess they must envy my skills in the kitchen…
Those Jews don’t know how to cook rat!
Filed under Poems
From the Diary of Washington’s Next Top Martyr
This afternoon, Jay Inslee,
The Governor of WA,
Mandated everyone wear masks
To which I stated: “Ha!”
The problem with such mandates
Is that if up the police show
You can say “I’m attracted to plants today”
And they have to let you go.
When Your Roommate Asks You To Demonstrate Basic Hygiene, But You Demonstrate Basic Verbal Agility Instead
You told me, “Take the garbage out,”
And, I’ll admit, I tried.
Alas, your sister’s married
And refused to go outside.
Filed under Poems
We’ve Come A Long Way Since “Pong”
“Hey Mr. Producer Guy,
I’ve got a game idea
Where two people survive the apocalypse.”
“Sure, Mr. designer guy,
But instead of death and zombies
Make the focus on blooming relationships.”
“Great idea, but what if
Instead of playing through the game
Players watched long, scripted movies of themselves?”
“And what about having
Unskippable gay sex missions?
It’ll fly right off the shelves!”
Filed under Poems
Breaking: Pinocchio Becomes Democratic AND Republican Frontrunner
Geppetto saw the puppet
Come alive one fateful night.
He hardly could contain his pure
Excitement and delight.
He asked, “What is your power?”
To which the toy replied,
“My nose grows when I’m truthful
“And I’ve never, ever lied.”
Geppetto took the puppet
On a tour of the land
And the puppet said, “You’re beautiful”
To all the coarse and bland.
“A gift to puppetmakers
“Will increase your Earthly wealth.”
And so, in awe, they watched the nose
And drank unto his health.
And as the ugly stayed the same,
The poor stayed destitute,
The puppet stayed beloved,
For his word was absolute.
This lesson serves to illustrate
Wherefore in every hour
We ought not correlate the truth
With presence of a power.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 