You told me, “Take the garbage out,”
And, I’ll admit, I tried.
Alas, your sister’s married
And refused to go outside.
Tag Archives: Humor
When Your Roommate Asks You To Demonstrate Basic Hygiene, But You Demonstrate Basic Verbal Agility Instead
Filed under Poems
We’ve Come A Long Way Since “Pong”
“Hey Mr. Producer Guy,
I’ve got a game idea
Where two people survive the apocalypse.”
“Sure, Mr. designer guy,
But instead of death and zombies
Make the focus on blooming relationships.”
“Great idea, but what if
Instead of playing through the game
Players watched long, scripted movies of themselves?”
“And what about having
Unskippable gay sex missions?
It’ll fly right off the shelves!”
Filed under Poems
Breaking: Pinocchio Becomes Democratic AND Republican Frontrunner
Geppetto saw the puppet
Come alive one fateful night.
He hardly could contain his pure
Excitement and delight.
He asked, “What is your power?”
To which the toy replied,
“My nose grows when I’m truthful
“And I’ve never, ever lied.”
Geppetto took the puppet
On a tour of the land
And the puppet said, “You’re beautiful”
To all the coarse and bland.
“A gift to puppetmakers
“Will increase your Earthly wealth.”
And so, in awe, they watched the nose
And drank unto his health.
And as the ugly stayed the same,
The poor stayed destitute,
The puppet stayed beloved,
For his word was absolute.
This lesson serves to illustrate
Wherefore in every hour
We ought not correlate the truth
With presence of a power.
Filed under Poems
Empires Fall… *Single Tear*
The Persians used to rule the world
Before they started making rugs.
The British used to rule the world
Before they gave the world free hugs.
So too the Mongols, Austria-Hungary,
Greeks, and Romans lost their graces,
But none fell more than when the Goths
Learned new ways to paint their faces…
Filed under Poems
Hot and Cold
I watched her eat the popsicle
With long and sultry licks.
Her eyes met mine and so she threw
A nibble in the mix.
She slid it in and out again
‘Til it got soft and warm
And then she killed its family
And I left the women’s dorm.
Filed under Poems
The Soy-Bacon of Vice
This evening I realized,
While sitting in the sauna,
Some people make a living
By baking food with marijuana.
So if you are a baker
It does appear to me
You’re basically just selling weed
With a cheaper recipe…
Filed under Poems
Why Has No One Mentioned This Unsung Hero Yet? Conspiracy!
Amidst the “What the heck?s”
About kneeling for anthems and necks
One man has consistently stood tall:
That man is Neil Diamond,
Who protested against crime and
Didn’t change his name to “Stand.” That’s all.
Filed under Poems
Bugging Out
There once were a fly and a flea
Who were healthy and lived in a tree,
Then they flew in a flue
And contracted the flu
And decided to, from the flue, flee.
Filed under Poems
It’s Thick Enough That The Title Goes On The Spine!
A book came in the mail for me!
I wrote it and it came!
If you act quickly then you can
Experience the same!
It’s yours to buy on Amazon
(Or elsewhere if you’re odd):
It’s cheaper than an ounce of gold
And funnier than God!
Neutral background made of the author’s sweatpants not included…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 