The family was gathered,
The chicken was frying,
And somewhere on TV
Our leaders were lying.
I was lighting the fireworks
And feeling just fine
‘Til I held up my fingers
And counted to nine.
Tag Archives: Humor
The Other Declaration
Tomorrow is independence day
In the United States of A,
When lots of old guys wrote a thing
That basically said “Go suck it, King.”
But it’s a day not just about vacation.
Think of the day before the declaration
When patriots said, on that long past 3rd of July
“Holy crap, my dudes, we gonna die!”
Filed under Poems
On a Scale Of A-F, I’d Grade This An Rrrrrr
I knew a pirate captain
And boy, was he a putz!
He tried to hump his steering wheel
And complained “This is driving me nuts!”
Filed under Poems
And Then They Hear “Hee, Hee, Hee” And Start Screaming About Representation For Other Pronouns In The Onomatopoeia Of Laughter
California made it illegal
To discriminate based on hairstyle.
This is one of the greatest things
I’ve heard in quite a while
Because, based on liberal input,
I know that all white people are racist
And I’ve developed the ultimate strategy
For cutting my hair on that basis:
It’s illegal to bias one’s choices
For traditional hairstyles of race
Like cornrows or dreadlocks or afros
And because this is the case
I can shave my head to spell letters,
Specifically “I disagree.”
Now watch as the left calls me Hitler
And I just say “Hee, hee, hee.”
Dedicated to Helen, My Evil Stepsister 🙂
Want to suggest a poem topic? Leave a comment or email thedailytravesty@yahoo.com
Filed under Poems
A Competitive Game
I asked the rock-paper-scissors champion
The secret of which symbol’s best to choose.
He smiled as he answered: “The key to my success
“Is, when I play, I always try to lose.”
Filed under Poems
When You REALLY Don’t Have A Shot With Her
I see a lot of ads these days
When browsing on the net
For Calvin Klein’s new underwear
(I haven’t purchased yet).
Since it’s pride month I get these pics
Of models in a bra.
The caption reads “Proud in my Calvins,”
But I read it as “Hell naw!”
I’m curious if, come July,
We start to see some ads:
“Fruit of the Loom: No fags allowed.”
“Target: For guys with ‘nads.”
“Jesus loves Mack Weldon briefs:
“Wear them or be a sinner.”
“Panties for ladies who realize
“Dildos don’t buy you dinner.”
Filed under Poems
Not Based On A True Story At All…
Here I am and in my prime,
No need for fear, no lack of time,
My IQ’s high, my flaws are few,
But there’s one foe I’ve yet to slew.
Somehow I feel my knees go weak
If, to a stranger, I must speak.
I can solve equations in my head
But not control the sense of dread
That spreads from pate to waist to toes
When I must speak to Jane or Rose.
I know Shakespeare, Austen, Keats,
But not wherefore my heart so beats.
Perhaps I’ve read too many tomes
To mix with non-y-chromosomes?
Filed under Poems
The Moment Before You Concede The Custody Battle
When I was but a tiny lad,
Not more than eight years old
My mom would tell me “Go to bed”
And I’d do as I was told.
Now I tuck in my 8-year old
And say “Good night. Sweet dreams.”
And she replies “Keep lecturing me
“And they’ll never hear your screams.”
Filed under Poems
2020 Voters (And Europe)
I went to college and got a degree
And hoped it would get me a job.
I learned how to drink, put off work and have threesomes,
And be both a loser and snob.
I can write ten page papers with ten words of content
And get booze with no valid ID.
Now I’m an unemployed expert in horticultural psychology
And I think you deserve this for free.
Filed under Poems
NOOOO! THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!
Roses are mauve
And kale causes addiction.
Two women sat quietly.
This poem is fiction.
Filed under Poems
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