I asked the rock-paper-scissors champion
The secret of which symbol’s best to choose.
He smiled as he answered: “The key to my success
“Is, when I play, I always try to lose.”
Tag Archives: Life
I Dream
I dream of a Utopia
Where no one eats for free,
Where no elected shadow
Dictates how I must be me,
A place I can be lonely
When I don’t want to fight.
Utopia, I know you’re there
Smiling, out of sight.
I’m homesick for Utopia,
Where death is commonplace,
Where value lies within the heart
Instead of on the face,
A world of small discomforts
That all will know and love
And one where there’s no safety net
Or eyes from up above.
The void between Utopia
And where I’m standing now
Is only empty space to cross,
And so I take a vow
To walk beyond the cliff I see,
To fall, or else to fly.
My body may not make it;
That’s how I know it’s worth a try.
Filed under Poems
Not Based On A True Story At All…
Here I am and in my prime,
No need for fear, no lack of time,
My IQ’s high, my flaws are few,
But there’s one foe I’ve yet to slew.
Somehow I feel my knees go weak
If, to a stranger, I must speak.
I can solve equations in my head
But not control the sense of dread
That spreads from pate to waist to toes
When I must speak to Jane or Rose.
I know Shakespeare, Austen, Keats,
But not wherefore my heart so beats.
Perhaps I’ve read too many tomes
To mix with non-y-chromosomes?
Filed under Poems
Why Not .03 Per Cent? FALSE ADVERTISING!!!
Today I saw one per cent milk
And so I gave my mom a holler.
Turns it it’s just crappy milk,
Not 100 milks for a dollar.
Filed under Poems
Social Media Arguments
If you’d rather win than be happy
And you’d rather be happy than right
You may be a dumb git
And you’ll feel like shit
But hey! You won that Facebook fight.
Filed under Poems
Double Standard Alert!
If a woman sleeps with 20 men
She’s empowered, so that’s okay,
Yet if I sleep with 20 men
Somehow that makes me gay?
Filed under Poems
A Historically Accurate Transcription Of Events Preceding The Invention Of The Microwave Oven
In 1920 some guy said
“A thought just poppethed into mine head.”
His peer responded “Tell me sir,
“What thought does cause thine brain to stir?”
Some guy then said, in a manner quite prickly,
“What if I had a box that heated food quickly?”
His peer replied “Your thought is bold,
“But how about heating the plate and leaving the food cold?”
Filed under Poems
Jesus Bought The DLC
I think that when you die
You just wake up in a dark room
And someone tells you
“Your free trial of Life has expired”
And you have to make a new email address
‘Cause you’re poor.
Filed under Poems
A Near Miss
I was feeling unfulfilled
As I browsed the worldwide web.
My loneliness was at its peak,
My energy at ebb.
Then I saw an advertisement
That said “Hot Singles Near You.”
I turned on my ad blocker
And was lonely again. Phew!
Filed under Poems
It’s Only Right You Suffer For My Mistakes
Yesterday I wrote two poems.
I feel like a dunce.
I meant one to be published tomorrow (today?)
But it got published at once.
Because of my mistake that day
You must hear me now annunc…
Iate. Yes, this poem is pointless
And every other line rhymes with “grunce.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 