They say you can spot a killer
Or persons of criminal ilk
By offering them cocoa puffs.
(Run if they pour out the milk).
Tag Archives: Life
My Friday Night
I took me out to a ball game,
Alas, to one with a crowd.
There they sold peanuts and alcohol
‘Cause Cracker Jack’s racist and traditional.
There I learned baseball tactics
And how to play the game right
From a screaming drunk woman
Who looked like a dark alley at night.
“Hit the ball!” Was her opener.
“Throw a strike” later came.
Then was “Make people stop not getting out
“And you’ll win the whole (censored) game!”
It turns out this lady’s cheerleading
Did lead the home team to win
So if you’re still an Orioles fan
Bud Light’s a good place to begin.
Filed under Poems
My Attempt At Humanism Before I Interact With The Public Today
If you weigh 400 pounds
And sit beside me on a plane
I do not hate you as a person
But I still think you’re a pain.
If you say “fuck” like girls say “like”
And I am with my 6-year-old
I do not hate you as a person
But I hope you die before you’re old.
If you blast rap at 1:00 AM
And I wake up for work at 5:00
I do not hate you as a person
But I do wish you were not alive.
If you recast my favorite film
And the final movie turns out bad
I do not hate the cast or crew
But the fact remains I feel sad,
So if my feeling isn’t yours
‘Cause you are you and I am me
It doesn’t mean I hate your guts;
I dislike you with empathy.
Filed under Poems
The Family Diner
I went to a family diner
I ordered a “family omelette”.
The menu wasn’t specific
So I waited to see what I’d get.
When they delivered the omelette
I found myself rather stricken
‘Cause what they called a “family omelette”
Was apparently just eggs and chicken.
The submenu options included
The “family omelette deluxe”
Which, inspired by Angelina Jolie,
Was chicken with eggs from some ducks.
The Conservative family omelette
Came with napkins that asked you to pray for it.
The Liberal family omelette
Was the same, but made someone else pay for it.
The feminist family omelette
Had no eggs and weighed 300 pounds.
The black family omelette had half as much chicken
‘Cause was no daddy chicken around.
The Japanese family omelette
Came with an unrealistic hairdo
And, upon looking closer, you’ll find
It has better SAT scores than you.
When I went to that family diner
I brought my future wife on a date.
I still visit on weekends and holidays
When I don’t have a lot on my plate.
Filed under Poems
Sorry Europe, South America, And Basically Everywhere Else, But You Have Terrible Taste
There’s an argument in the USA
About soccer teams and equal pay
‘Cause men got paid more overall
Despite the women winning all the way.
The other side of this tirade
Says the male players are underpaid
Because the revenue their team produced
Was 55 times more than the women’s team made.
Now how revenue or standings weigh
On the importance scale I can’t say.
The real question is, in 2019,
Why won’t this stupid sport just go away?
Modern Problems Require Modern Solutions
When you remember your username
But the password you do not
And have to point out stop signs
To prove you aren’t a robot…
I think they should have a youtube ad
And if you don’t click “skip in 5”
They know you are a robot,
Or at least you’re not alive.
Filed under Poems
Today, In America
The family was gathered,
The chicken was frying,
And somewhere on TV
Our leaders were lying.
I was lighting the fireworks
And feeling just fine
‘Til I held up my fingers
And counted to nine.
Filed under Poems
A Competitive Game
I asked the rock-paper-scissors champion
The secret of which symbol’s best to choose.
He smiled as he answered: “The key to my success
“Is, when I play, I always try to lose.”
Filed under Poems
I Dream
I dream of a Utopia
Where no one eats for free,
Where no elected shadow
Dictates how I must be me,
A place I can be lonely
When I don’t want to fight.
Utopia, I know you’re there
Smiling, out of sight.
I’m homesick for Utopia,
Where death is commonplace,
Where value lies within the heart
Instead of on the face,
A world of small discomforts
That all will know and love
And one where there’s no safety net
Or eyes from up above.
The void between Utopia
And where I’m standing now
Is only empty space to cross,
And so I take a vow
To walk beyond the cliff I see,
To fall, or else to fly.
My body may not make it;
That’s how I know it’s worth a try.
Filed under Poems
Not Based On A True Story At All…
Here I am and in my prime,
No need for fear, no lack of time,
My IQ’s high, my flaws are few,
But there’s one foe I’ve yet to slew.
Somehow I feel my knees go weak
If, to a stranger, I must speak.
I can solve equations in my head
But not control the sense of dread
That spreads from pate to waist to toes
When I must speak to Jane or Rose.
I know Shakespeare, Austen, Keats,
But not wherefore my heart so beats.
Perhaps I’ve read too many tomes
To mix with non-y-chromosomes?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 