I have a six pack
Of orange creamsicles.
I have 12 inches
Of beef jerky sticks.
I go all night
When I chew my dill pickles,
And somehow I can’t seem
To pick up the chicks…
Tag Archives: Men
Why I Love The 4th of July, Middle School Boy Edition
If not for British taxes
And the redcoats being weenies
We might not have these fireworks
And Stars-and-Stripes bikinis,
So I for one am grateful
For wigs and wasted tea
‘Cause now there’s baseball, big buffets,
And other big things that start with “B”.
Filed under Poems
Sonnet For A Washcloth
Textured washcloth in a pastel color,
I love how my skin you exfoliate.
You make my oily skin look so duller;
For your great glory, I extoll ye, mate!
When I am lonely and in a great need
Of very crude and masculine release
I need no manual to for to read
To help you bring me to a restful peace.
You cost so little, less than fifty cents
And you loyally last my whole life long;
Textured pastel washcloth, I ask you whence
Did you become so grand, forever strong?
You are more than just a cheap toiletry;
You, my washcloth, are the best part of me!
Filed under Poems
An Important Choice
If I were a chess piece
I think I be a rook
Because I sit in corners
If just to read a book,
I like to walk in long straight lines
And don’t think it’s a hassle
When somebody mistakenly
Refers to me as “Castle.”
I’m not pious for bishopping,
Too smart to be a pawny thing,
I lack the boobs to be a queen
Or the balls to be a king…
So it’s either rook, or else a knight
Who’s called a horse sometimes…
Actually, I’m not hung like a rook…
I’m changing my choice. This line rhymes.
Filed under Poems
Just Another Way Men Are Casually Oppressed
All the women who play video games
And complain about bikini armor
Never seem to complain about how
Swords and arrows never harm her,
But men are stuck with heavy armor
Instead of a chainmail thong
Because if men could wear female armor
They’d be unbelievably strong.
Filed under Poems
Her Heroes?
My lady likes a hairy man
Who eats his food straight from a can,
Walks silently around the house
And saved her from a wild mouse.
Her dream guy sleeps both long and hard.
Around him she lets down her guard.
He can snuggle up at night
And make the whole world feel alright.
She likes the feeling of his tongue,
Not worried he’s no longer young.
The only worry I have is that
Is this guy me, or is it her cat?
Filed under Poems
A Midlife Crisis At Any Age
I bought a ‘57 Chevy
(Or what’s left of it, at least)
And I fixed it up so I
Could be a sexy beast.
I cruised it up and down the block
To pick up saucy chicks.
Alas, my ‘57 Chevy
Doesn’t hide that I’m 86.
Filed under Poems
What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?
Some kids will say “Astronaut”.
Some kids will say “Surgeon.”
Some kids will say “Engineer”
Which means they misspelled “Virgin.”
Some kids will say “A Hero
“Dressed in armor and a cowl.”
But props to the kid who said
“I’d be your girlfriend’s towel.”
Filed under Poems
What Every Man Wishes He Could Say To The Woman He Loves
I hope you sleep well dear,
All warm in your bed
With the stars softly kissing
The back of your head,
And the darkness and quiet
And peace coalesce
To relieve you of burdens
And release you from stress.
I hope you are carried
By angels of dreams
To a land of soft mountains
And limerent streams
So that when you awaken
Refreshed and renewed
You’ll finally cook me
Some half decent food!
Filed under Poems
At Least I Commit To Finishing Acrostics Though
I is for the intimacy we have yet to share
M is for the the many ways I show you I care
N is for how no one can compare
E is for “except that girl who has the pretty hair.”
V is for how very sorry I will claim to be
E is for that exceptional hair I never will unsee…
R is for I’m really sorry this time. Forgive me?
G is for the gift I’ll buy to say that I’m sorry
E is for how every day you give me another chance.
T is for the tightness you inspire in my pants
T is for your temperance, which totally rhymes with “dance”
I is for how I hope to rekindle our romance
N is for how nuts it is I ogle other girls
G is for “good thing I’m not into hair with sexy curls.”
L is for how light catches her hair as it unfurls…
A is for “Alright, alright! I’ll buy you some new pearls.”
I is for I really wish I were a better dude
D is for “Doggone it, if you weren’t such a prude…”
A is for apologizing for how I am lewd
G is for the golden curls falling upon the nude…
A is for “At least I didn’t finish the previous line.”
I is for the infinite ways you, my dear, are fine.
N is the never being bad again if you’ll remain as mine.
! is the punctuation after you vehemently decline.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 