I think we need a reverse Make-a-Wish
Where kids with cancer go see
Some self-absorbed millionaire bozos
Who’re all caught up in “poor me”,
And little bald Kaleb can smile
And give Mr. Rich a high five.
If we do this enough they might donate stuff
And the cancer kids might stay alive.
Filed under Poems
So today I went out to eat
And a rainbow was on my receipt.
Inspired, I resolved
To not get involved
Buying anything ‘til I feel July’s heat.
Filed under Poems
“Nothing gold can stay“
Is another way to say
If you’re male and not gay
You’re gonna have to pay.
Filed under Poems
I sing of a coin called a penny
Whose value was just less than “any”.
It was cash, free and legal, and yet it
Was not worth the effort to get it.
If it’s true what the president hinted
No longer will such coins be minted
And I for one ponder this pickle:
Will folks still pay for a souvenir nickel?
Filed under Poems
When I get rich, I want to buy
All the ads for my favorite shows
And just put a 3-second picture up
To make sure everyone knows
That the reason you don’t have to watch
A billion stupid ads
Is because I’m rich and I think they suck
So enjoy the bandwidth, lads!
There once was a form called the FAFSA
Which asked for my tax info. Laughs, ya?
Then my wife had to say
That yes, I did pay,
All to get zero money. That’s a gaffe-sa!
Filed under Poems
Thanks to fluorescent lighting
You see a hundred smiling faces
Of a hundred unhappy people
Just covering their bases.
There’s a slideshow on the laptop
That was made the night before
That will make investors happy
And will make the buyers poor.
The conference room has donuts
And the chairs are soft and red
And you eat the sweet, admit defeat,
And notice that you’re dead.
But if you have a family,
A student, and a friend,
And half as many fucks to give
You’ll know its not the end
But instead you’ll move toward the light
In the corner of the page
And start to live the life you had
When you still knew your age.
So a friend of mine got kidnapped
And they sent a ransom link.
It said “click here to see the ransom price”.
I’ll never see him again, I think.
Filed under Poems
People pay for paper
To play games of skill and chance
Where whoever bought the biggest bad
Will do the victory dance.
Boys will bash their brains in
To gain a yard or two
To prove their color’s mascot
Can score more points than you.
Folks will flee their families
To clock another hour
In hopes they’ll earn an office
That will make their colleagues cower.
I could go on forever
Making metaphors like these
But instead I’ll pose a “Let’s suppose”
To replace pastimes like these.
When you look past the colors
And the titles and the flags
It’s really just a contest
Of the biggest moneybags
So why not have a contest
Where we burn a stack of cash
And the champion of the world is he
With the longest-burning ash?
This money-burning contest
Will be framed as needing skill
And is an excellent opportunity
To sell a snack/drink/pill.
Heck, make a legal system
Where your life goes up in flame
And share it on a TV show
To keep building the game!
Then fans of sports and politics
And work and sex and war
Can celebrate the waste of time
While laughing at the poor.
Filed under Poems
There once was a guy from Renton
Who got to work on inventin’
Some colorful cards
Full of dragons and bards
And now my bankroll is lamentin’
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 