Tag Archives: Money

What I Think Of During Meetings

Thanks to fluorescent lighting

You see a hundred smiling faces

Of a hundred unhappy people

Just covering their bases.

There’s a slideshow on the laptop

That was made the night before

That will make investors happy

And will make the buyers poor.

The conference room has donuts

And the chairs are soft and red

And you eat the sweet, admit defeat,

And notice that you’re dead.

But if you have a family,

A student, and a friend,

And half as many fucks to give

You’ll know its not the end

But instead you’ll move toward the light

In the corner of the page

And start to live the life you had

When you still knew your age.

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And Yet Businesses Still Do This… (Not The Kidnapping Part Though… Yet)

So a friend of mine got kidnapped

And they sent a ransom link.

It said “click here to see the ransom price”.

I’ll never see him again, I think.

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Postmodern Sports

People pay for paper

To play games of skill and chance

Where whoever bought the biggest bad

Will do the victory dance.

Boys will bash their brains in

To gain a yard or two

To prove their color’s mascot

Can score more points than you.

Folks will flee their families

To clock another hour

In hopes they’ll earn an office

That will make their colleagues cower.

I could go on forever

Making metaphors like these

But instead I’ll pose a “Let’s suppose”

To replace pastimes like these.

When you look past the colors

And the titles and the flags

It’s really just a contest

Of the biggest moneybags

So why not have a contest

Where we burn a stack of cash

And the champion of the world is he

With the longest-burning ash?

This money-burning contest

Will be framed as needing skill

And is an excellent opportunity

To sell a snack/drink/pill.

Heck, make a legal system

Where your life goes up in flame

And share it on a TV show

To keep building the game!

Then fans of sports and politics

And work and sex and war

Can celebrate the waste of time

While laughing at the poor.

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Magic The Gathering

There once was a guy from Renton

Who got to work on inventin’

Some colorful cards

Full of dragons and bards

And now my bankroll is lamentin’

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What Makes An Artist Successful?

The important part of making art

May be your visible passion

Whether for painting, poetry,

Sculpture, dance, or fashion.

It may be skill, in motion or still,

Technique from masters past…

But I think it’s knowing a millionaire

Who needs tax write-offs fast!

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Fine Print Matters

I signed up for a credit card

And I’m going to be rich.

See, the card has special privileges

That’s almost like a glitch:

Every time you spend with it

You get a hundred loyalty bucks

That you can trade for fancy stuff

Like jewelry or Chucks.

Update: It’s been seven months.

I have a billion bucks, and I

Am being tracked by debt collectors

And I need to cry.

It turns out that a billion bucks

Translates to about a dime

And there’s something called an “interest”

That grows a lot with time.

Update: Now my stuff is gone

And I live on the street

With somebody named “Pickle Jim”

And also “Fentanyl Pete.”

I guess the whole “free money” thing

Made me spend a bit too hard

But at least I could exchange my points

For a Visa prepaid card!

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They Did This… Just Not For Us

If we’re forgiving student loans

I think we should consider

Just forgiving all debt ever.

Also, the getter-ridder

Should make everything be free

So everyone is wealthy!

Then we can sail our yachts and talk

About why the economy isn’t healthy.

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Investment Analysis

There once was a CPA

Who managed my 401(K).

They said unto me

That a 403(B)

Would be better. Why? IDFK

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My New Fitness Plan

Some people think that spending

Forty bucks a month or so

For exercising at a gym

Is just the way to go.

I think that cancelling the gym

Is the same as getting paid

Forty bucks a month to not

Work out. I’ve got it made!

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The NBA Breathes A Sigh Of Relief…

One upside of trans acceptance

Is that in ten years women’s sports

Will probably make a profit

Now that men are on the courts.

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