I sleep on a bed of money
But still no one respects me
‘Cause I pay my bills with tiny beds
As my conscience directs me.
Tag Archives: Money
He’s Asian, So He’ll Probably Send Me $6
When the Coronavirus began
I sent my buddy a letter:
“Bet you five bucks this is the new plague
“Because asians do everything better.”
Filed under Poems
Never Discuss A Desire To Expand One’s Vocabulary With A Maternal Figure When Poor…
Fate, ye tempting mountebank,
Whether spurious or not,
Can prove to be, to our free will,
A specious asymptote.
Atropos, supercilious,
Cuts our time; We must defer.
My mom paid me a dollar
To write this poem, so blame her.
Filed under Poems
Capitalism In Action
People are saying college is expensive,
That $100,000 in debt isn’t fine.
I worked hard to get a scholarship
And only owe $99,999.99
Filed under Poems
When A Kid Asks “Why Is Money Good?”
If you write someone a check
For $20.42
You’re basically giving them
A fancy IOU
That they can take to any bank
And swap for coins and bills
Which are, themselves, just IOUs
From folks on capital hill.
You can use these IOUs
To buy treasury bonds
Which are IOUs that pay you cash
Just for holding on.
If you cash these IOUs
You’ll find, in fact, you can’t
Because they’re just as meaningless
As the average Facebook rant,
But if you give them to your friends
Or drop them from the sky
You’ll become an instant hero.
Now do you regret asking “Why?”
Filed under Poems
Thus Why I Drive A ‘96 Ford
A Ferrari costs 301,000 dollars.
A fleece blanket costs $4.99.
So would you trade 400 horsepower
For blissful fuzz ’til the year 62339?
Filed under Poems
A Six-Figure Sense Of Humor
She offered me a sandwich
And I said “Thank you dear.”
She sighed and asked “What would you do
“If I were to disappear?”
I said “I’d eat steak every day
“And be left with much more money.”
She scowled, so I bought her jewelry
And now she thinks I’m funny.
Filed under Poems
When You Trade Favors For Food Stamps
I tried to find a sugar momma
But nobody has money in da hood.
I settled for a sweet ‘n low cousin
And I’m her splenda baby. It’s all good.
Filed under Poems
Life’s Hard Questions
If you gave a guy from Zimbabwe
A billion dollars cash
He could buy a whole lot of cattle
And a man with a lot of cattle is rich,
But if you give an American guy
A billion dollars worth of cattle
He can send his enemies cow poop
For the rest of his life,
So who’s the real winner?
Filed under Poems
This Goes For Taxes As Well, Except A Mugger Might Use The Money For Something Valuable
If you get mugged in central park
And think it isn’t fair
Just call it a “mandatory donation
“To ensuring criminal welfare.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 