What child is this
You laid to rest
That in my lap
Is sleeping,
Whose face glows white
Like the face of God,
And why won’t my cell phone
Quit beeping?
Tag Archives: Parody
Diet Supplements
Are you tired of working out?
Wish you could lose some weight?
Then you stumbling on this post
Is nothing short of fate!
See, I’m a famous CEO
Who grew up on the street
And I’ve been on some talk shows
And my life is really neat.
I’ve collaborated
With a bunch of science nerds
To make a diet supplement
That will leave you without words:
Our many happy clients
Universally lost weight,
And we’re officially endorsed
By nearly every socialist state.
What is this magic product?
You really want to know?
Okay, since you asked nicely…
“Dehydrated H2O.”
Filed under Poems
Tearjerker Country Songs 101
It’s a stormy night of sorts
And there’s a church nearby
And the preacher with a troubled past
Welcomes some stranded guy.
They small talk for a while
Until the preacher tells the tale
Of how some dude did something bad
And didn’t go to jail.
Some family member died too young
And everybody’s sad
And you get the impression
That God is really bad.
But then the random stranger
Who was talking to the priest
Is suddenly regretful
And reveals he was the beast
Who did the aforementioned crime
That caused the kid to die.
Then he says “Will you forgive me?”
And everybody starts to cry.
Then everybody’s fine and stuff
And no one finds it odd
That injustice is suddenly fine somehow
‘Cause hey, why not? Yay God!
Filed under Poems
Modern Art
Harry stood on stage,
Took a deep breath,
And said, “The,” for forty days.
Every day another voice joined
For eleven and a half weeks.
On the forty first day,
Harry stood on stage,
Took another deep breath,
And said, “World,”
And the followers waited a day
Before echoing him.
And so it was that Harry
And the multitude who came after
Sang a round, “The World,” in eighty days.
Filed under Poems
Who Sang It Better?
I saw an advertisement
While mountain-climbing with my baby.
She asked, “Should we remove it?”
And I replied with, “Maybe.”
So up we climbed, so happy
And the snow made us reflective,
Until we turned around and looked
With our lenses-corrective
At what we later learned
Was a mass of falling soil
Which depressed me, for I knew my life
Was little more than toil.
In hindsight, I took my love
And I took ad down,
Climbed a mountain
And turned around,
I saw my reflection in a snow covered hill
‘Til a landslide brought me down.
Filed under Poems
Dr. Seuss Writes An Adult Book
All the Whos down in Whoville
Liked warm beds a lot,
But the Grinch north of Whoville
Had but one lukewarm cot.
For a while he was fine,
Sleeping without a care
‘Til he saw Roxxi Whooter
Whose “whos” just weren’t fair.
The Grinch called to Roxxi,
“Yoohoo, you Who! Who
“Are you?” And she answered
“Just the right Who for you.”
And so the two sidled
From the town to the cranny
Where the Grinch made his home.
On his mind? Hootenanny!
At first he was nervous,
But the Grinch got it going
When what once was hidden
Was suddenly showing.
His heart grew six sizes
But that wasn’t all,
For the Grinch had Thing One
And Thing Two, neither small…
A while shortly passed.
After that, one while more…
Not a Who down in Whoville
Got much sleep, that’s for sure.
What had been merely good
Seemed to now be fantastic
Until Roxxi Who asked,
“Will that be cash or plastic?”
Thus went Grinch’s money
And the Grinch’s six sizes.
To the real Dr. Seuss:
This poet apologizes.
Filed under Poems
Democracy… Please?
I think a million-dollar income
Is an inalienable right
For everyone within an inch
Of six-foot-O in height,
And that all of those people
Should be worshipped as Gods
And based on modern politics
Such a change has decent odds…
An Excerpt From Disney’s Cancelled Musical, “Beelzebabe”
I awake to a nightmare. The heat is infernal
Here in the land of damnation eternal
Where I was born, and where I can never die.
My homework is done, my chores are complete,
My collar is starched, and my bedroom is neat,
And yet there’s my dad giving me the evil eye.
I’d like to have breakfast in silence,
But the demons are having a feast
On faith, hope, and love… oh, and entrails…
Here in the domain of the beast!
I’m just a kid! I did nothing bad!
I’m just down here all because of my dad!
Eternal strife’s just a day in the life
Of Stan, Satan’s son.
When people sin or they touch themselves
They end up here, or so says the Bible.
I have done neither and yet somehow here I must stay?
I never knew who my mother was.
Who would make love to the Prince of Hatred?
For all I know Lucifer might just maybe be gay?
I’m born of spite, empty of light,
Nine layers deep and yet still I do right?
Why is this glee deep within me,
Stan, Satan’s Son?
I am the precocious instead of atrocious.
I always say “thank you” and “please.”
I can’t help but bother my nefarious father,
Who you call Mephistopheles.
Up in the sky, when the blood clouds part,
I feel in my decomposed heart a leaping,
Picturing worlds with fresh air, vegans, even romance.
Then I’ll go early to torment school,
Pausing to clean up a pool of lava
Hiding in alleys to sing hymns and, sometimes, to dance.
It’s been a while since I saw a smile.
It has been eons since I’ve had fun.
Why’s this my fate? Why can’t I just hate?
Love,
Stan
Satan’s Son
P.S. If you’re in Hell
Be like me: Rebel.
(Organ plays “dun dun DUN!)
Filed under Poems
Two American Legends
Yankee Doodle went to town
Riding on a pony.
He stuck a feather in his cap
And called it macaroni.
Yankee Doodle was confused,
Perhaps ’cause of the ridin’,
And his random speech habit
Got picked up by Joe Biden.
Filed under Poems
If Dr. Seuss Were A Rapper
We are blacks. You are whites.
You deny our human rights.
You can shoot us while we snack.
You can shoot us in the back.
You can shoot us while we sleep
Or brand us as unusual sheep.
We have never met our dad,
But blackness isn’t only bad.
We are physically much bigger
And can call each other the first part of Ryan Higa’s Youtube channel.
Being black is sometimes great.
We get to attend Penn State
Instead of living in a dump,
All because white guys can’t jump.
If you know of current trends
We will steal your girlfriends;
You are white and we are black
And they ain’t ever coming back!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 